If you were my boyfriend, we would like each other an awful lot, so much, that we’d call each other up all the time. You would think I was very, very pretty and I would think you were so very handsome. We’d have all sorts of inside jokes. If you were my boyfriend, I would occasionally wear your sweaters, but you wouldn’t ever wear mine, because that would be weird. If you were my boyfriend, I would cook you nice dinners, with asparagus and everything, and after dinner you would tell me how delicious it was. And you would mow my lawn and fix stuff for me because you liked me so much and it made you happy to help me. If you were my boyfriend, I would call you up when there was a bat in my living room, and I would shriek, and you would come over with a tennis racket and catch it and I would say, “That bat looked a lot bigger when it was flying around.” And we would laugh.
If you were my boyfriend, we would go on picnics together, with cheese and baguettes and a blanket and grapes too. We would lie on the blanket, looking up at the sky and talk about our dreams and our fears.
It would be a great thing, if you were my boyfriend. We would be so happy and we would pity everyone else for not being us. We would marvel at how well we got along and we would trash our ex’s together, and say things like, “My ex and I never got along this well.” And, “You are so much funnier than my ex.” We would spend all kinds of time cuddling and saying sweet things to one another.
One day, if you were my boyfriend, you would be eating corn on the cob and I would notice that you had a strange way of spreading your butter on your corn and I would wonder if I liked you anymore. Then another day, if you were my boyfriend, you would say something really, very stupid. We would talk about it a lot and finally sort it out, but then I would start to realize that there were all these things about you that were really starting to get on my nerves. If you were my boy friend, I would try very hard to get you to change, but you would refuse to change, and we would break up. Then I would start spending time with my friends again and they would be so happy because as it turns out, they never really liked you anyhow.