Hello! Welcome! Thank you for stopping by Appropos of Nothing. Please make yourself at home. Can I get you a cup of coffee? Do you take cream and sugar? Soy milk? No problem! It is no trouble at all. I will be right back.
I could have sworn that we had soy milk, but I couldn’t find any. I only have regular milk. Is that ok?
I didn’t realize that you had a dairy allergy. I will run to the store. No! No! Don’t be silly. It is no trouble at all. I will just shovel out the driveway and be on my way! Better yet, I will use my cross country skis. I have been needing an excuse to use them anyhow. You sit tight. Make yourself at home. I will be right back. It is no problem at all. The store is only a few miles away. No worries. While you are waiting, just make yourself comfortable. Poke around and read some posts why don’t you? Can I get you a pillow for your back? How about a stool to put your feet up? You look a bit tired. Just relax for a bit. It will do you some good.
OK, then. I will be back in a jiffy.
I’m back! We lucked out! At first it looked like they were out of soy milk, but I talked to the manager and helped him find a case way in the back. It was actually lucky that we were back there at the time. Turns out that the store was being robbed at gunpoint! How about that for exciting? Here is your coffee. Is it hot enough? It may have cooled down a bit while I was gone. I was gone for longer than I expected. It took a while to help all those people that the robbers had tied up. Let me heat your coffee up for you. No, really, it is no problem.
Are you enjoying your Milano cookies? I bought a few different kinds, because I am not sure what you like. I got double chocolate, chocolate mint, dark chocolate, chocolate dipped, chocolate raspberry and eight or nine other kinds. They are very good dipped in the coffee. Be careful though. I may have heated up the coffee a little too much. You might want to let it cool a bit. What? Oh my, will you look at that? I didn't even notice! I must have spilled some coffee on myself when I took it out of the microwave. It is blistering up pretty good, isn't it?
Hey! Where are you going? Don’t go yet! It gets so lonely here. Apropos of Nothing doesn’t get too many visitors! Please don’t go.
OK then. I understand. You have things to do. Of course.
Promise to come back. You could even send a friend. It would be nice to have a few more visitors. You could subscribe even. It is really very easy. Won’t take any time at all. You could subscribe by feed or e-mail. Not that I am complaining, but the e-mail subscription option was kind of hard for me to set up. I had to manually insert some strange looking text into my personal HTML. That was a little frightening for me and it made me feel a bit dirty. All I am saying is that it would be nice if someone actually used it.
I know it is too much to ask, but before you go, might you consider becoming a follower? Do you see all those people to the right there? Scroll until you see them. See that group of particularly good looking people? They are following. Don’t they look cool there? Don’t you want to be more like them?
What’s that? Is that what you heard? That can’t be true. I am pretty sure that all of them are following on their own accord. I don’t think my parents are paying them. Where did you hear that? I am pretty sure that it is just a rumor.
No! No! Stop! You don’t have to wash your cup! You are my guest! Leave it right there! OK. OK. You can put it in the sink. But that’s it. I will wash it later. OK, then. It was really nice having you. Please come back. You are welcome anytime. Anytime at all.
Oh! Your coat! Of course! Silly me! I will be right back. Forgive me. I am moving a little slowly. Sprained ankle. Not used to the cross country skiing. Need more practice is all. OK then. Here you go. Nice coat by the way. Looks nice and warm. And the color looks great on you.
Bye now. Be careful. Don’t slip on the walk. I may have dislocated my shoulder when I fell coming back from the store. I don’t want that to happen to you! Promise me you will be careful.
OK. Bye! Bye now! See you later!
I recently picked up a book, a memoir written by a woman who read one book per week for a year and wrote about what she read. As you might recall, I set up the very same challenge for myself this year. See the post I Have Read 51 Books in Nine Months and You Haven't. Just like the author of this book, during this self imposed challenge, I read book after book after book and wrote about all of them in my journal. Unlike the author, however, the one thing that I didn’t get around to doing was to write a memoir about the experience and have it published.
The phenomenon of setting up a challenge for yourself- to live differently for a time and then write about it, was a theme I ran into many times during my book frenzy. And it generally makes for really good reading. The key is to create an experiment with yourself as test subject. You define the rules and live according them, and then you write an account of your experience. If you think about it, it is sort of like a reality TV show. You alter your life artificially for the sake of seeing what happens. It works well for people who aren’t naturally living a memoir obvious life by being a celebrity, gathering dirt about celebrities, being a criminal or living in France with a boyfriend named Hugh. Of this create-a-memoir genre, Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously was one of my favorites. Julie decides to cook, in one year’s time, every one of Julia Child’s recipes from The Art of French Cooking. I can’t put my finger on what exactly made that book so wonderful, but it was great from start to finish. I loved it so much that when I finished it, I trekked down to DC to visit the Julia Child exhibit in the National Gallery. It was my own personal Wally World experience. I stood outside the building looking in disbelief at the sign that explained that the museum was closed for renovations. In reality, the words on the sign explained the renovation schedule and what visitors might look forward to when it was done, but all I read was, “F#&K YOU, Sondra Stinglash.” The museum was closed. That felt personal.
There is another book that I can’t wait to read. My Year of Living Biblically is a memoir describing a year of living exactly as the bible says. See A.J. Jacobs' wonderful talk on the subject. I recently heard of a blogger who has made it her project to live according to the advice of Oprah Winfrey for a year. Living Oprah. This woman gave herself an assignment, is living it and writing about it and, although she won’t sign a deal until the project is done, I have no doubt a book will follow. There are most certainly countless other people who have designed experiments that they are conducting at this very moment. Right now, as you are reading this entry, there is someone going through their year wearing a chicken suit, someone sampling cookies, and someone living in a cabin in the woods on Walden Pond. Imagine the books born of these projects!
All Fowled Up: My Year in Feathers
A Year of Milanos: One Woman’s Quest to Try Them All
My Wasted Year: Would It Have Killed You To Tell Me That Someone Already Did This?
I need your help. I need a challenge. I love my life; it is a great one, but it isn’t necessarily memoir material. What I need to do is to set up some rules for myself and then live an entire year according to those rules. It has to be something out of the ordinary, but it can’t be something that is too embarrassing or takes a great deal of courage or time because I am kind of whimpy and I am very, very busy. It can’t involve the saving up of all my garbage, traveling anywhere, pretending to have a job I don’t have, or changing gender. I invite you to send me any idea you have! And don’t stop there. Send this post along to your friends and ask them for their ideas. Then submit them as if they were your own.
And just so you know, the book I mentioned at the beginning of this post- I didn’t like it. It is just as well that I didn't write my own. Turns out that it is hard to write such a book without seeming like you are a super reader book jerk who likes to brag about all that reading you are doing. Who can blame her though? If I had read that many books in a year, (and I did) I would probably be tempted to toot my own horn too. I would probably look for opportunities to bring it up in conversation and act shocked when other people tell me the paltry number of books they have attempted to read over the past year.
I won’t though. Now that I know how annoying it is.
This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.
Dear Ms. Stinglash,
Enclosed are the results of a survey of students grades 3-6 who were asked to rate their classes and teachers. If you received a low score, we ask to you please consider discussing the results with the students to determine what you can do to become more popular in their eyes. This survey will in no way influence your evaluation, which will be done by grown-ups, but we think that it provides some valuable information for you to use to enhance your teaching.
Your average score: 1.5
1.5? This seems bad. In fact, it seems very, very bad. Of course, they didn’t tell me what the maximum score could be. I might have scored a 1.5 out of 2. That isn’t so bad. In fact it could be very good. Especially if the survey read like this:
How much do you love Ms. Stinglash?
1- Very much
2- More than my own parents
A score of 1.5 would mean that the children were pretty evenly split between loving me very much and loving me more than they love their own parents. In that case, I have done very well indeed.
Only, I have never heard of a survey where the maximum score is only a 2. It seems rather unlikely. I suspect that the maximum score is at least a 3. As in:
How much do you think Ms. Stinglash’s class sucks?
1- It sucks big time
2- It’s okay
3- It is a wonderful class, engaging, inspiring and surprising. I never knew learning could be so blissful.
Great. I am somewhere between sucking and being okay. This is not good. What if the maximum is even more than a 3? Horrors! It appears that they detest my class!! And who knew? I thought they loved it. They come in all smiles, eager to get started. They participate enthusiastically. They try hard in class. We laugh together. They really seem to like the class and to like me as well. In fact, the children call out my name when they see me in the hallway and run over to hug me. I just don’t get it.
I had to find out just how badly I had scored. A bit of investigation revealed that the maximum score is a 4. The only explanation for my dreadfully low marks is that I have been stabbed in the back. Behind their cherub like faces, twinkling eyes and easy smiles lurk hearts of stone. Either that or the questionnaire was flawed. After all I only received a numeric score. I did not receive a copy of the questions. Who knows what they were asked. Perhaps it was something like this:
Do you agree with the following statement? “Ms. Stinglash has squids for hands.”
2. Not sure
A 1.5 in this case would not be so bad really. It would reflect that most of the children recognize that I have hands of a regular sort. I say "most" of the children. Some appear to be unsure about this point. These children are not that smart. This is not my problem.
The thing is, other teachers have told me their scores in the strictest of confidence so I cannot repeat them here, scores that they also found surprising and not just a wee bit devastating. All the scores were substantially higher than mine. The only explanation for this would be that the students hate my guts with a passion usually reserved for superintendents who can’t see their way to canceling school during a record breaking snowfall. I suspect that if the school employed a teacher who regularly feeds her class unsalted popcorn while she reads aloud from the Handbook of Autopsy Practice and shows them pictures of dead clubbed baby seals, she would score higher than I did.
I truly did not see this coming. I had no idea that the children were even going to be surveyed. What if people from other aspects of my life are also being surveyed? I could be blindsided once again.
Dear Sandra Stinglash,
Enclosed are the results of a satisfaction survey. This particular survey was given to a select group of people, namely individuals who have come directly from your womb. This demographic was asked to rate you according to how happy they are with your performance. We feel that this numeric score will provide you with valuable information, and we urge you to take the results to heart. If you received a low score, we ask to you please consider discussing the results with the people or person surveyed in order to determine how to improve future ratings.
Your score: 1.5
I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I have designed a simple survey, which I will give to the people in my life, all of them: family members, friends, and acquaintances alike. It will have one question, so that it won’t take up too much of their valuable time. The participants will be assured of their anonymity, as I will promise to close my eyes when they hand their surveys back to me. It will read:
I thank you in advance for taking the time to fill out the following questionnaire which will give me valuable feedback that I can use in order to better myself as a person. Rest assured that your anonymity will be guaranteed, so please answer as honestly as possible.
How satisfied are you with Sandra Stinglash’s performance as a(n) _________________________? (The beauty of this format is that by filling in the blank, I can customize the question to fit any person being surveyed. Example: mother, daughter, acquaintance, friend, total stranger, etc.)
1- Not at all satisfied
2- Somewhat satisfied
3- Mostly satisfied
I must remember to be very careful to fill in the blank as accurately as possible so as to avoid invalidating the results. For instance, if I presented my father with a survey and instead of writing “daughter” in the blank, I made even a minor mistake, like “How satisfied are you with Sondra Stinglash’s performance as a world class botanist?” the results could be disastrous. I might even score a 1.5.
Thunder: Also loud.
It's redundant. So sue me.
- ► 2009 (77)
- Aha Duh
- Babel Fish
- bicycle helmets
- Buddhas' Hands
- Cat's in the Cradle drug reference
- cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto 4
- Classic Stinglash
- free movies
- I got an award
- index cards
- Isadora Duncan
- Jessica Simpson
- Julia Child
- Living Biblically
- loin cloth
- Love that Facebook
- make your own Easter cards
- massage school
- Michael Ian Black
- Michael Jackson
- Milano Cookies
- Money Saving Tips
- Narcoleptic Dogs
- National Humor Month
- natural attic insulation
- Nintendo Wii
- Oprah Winfrey
- Really cute kitten pictures
- Sperm Cell
- stamp licking
- Stinglash Family
- Sweating With the Oldies
- The Onion
- what rhymes with orange
- whiney is the new funny
- Writer's Block