People I don't want to meet

A Response to TiggyBlog.

Whom don't I want to meet? Well, since you asked... 

A stale smelling clown with ridiculously large red shoes, gazing sadly into the sky, watching his balloons float away.

An Olympic swimmer shaving his slick, naked body in the sink of a public bathroom.  

A businessman pulling a live squid out of his pocket to use as a cell phone.  

An orchestra conductor stabbing people in the eyes with his baton.  

An angry crowd carrying placards depicting my image, a circle and slash drawn through my cheerful smiling face.

And you? Anyone that you care to never meet?

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

A Day In a Blogger's Life- Part Three

As conventional as this is, I wrote these posts to be read in order, part one, two and now three.  I trust that you have done your part and read the first two parts.  If not, please read them now.  I'll wait.

Great.  Now we can take up where we left off- a typical evening in a blogger's life.

5:15 Decide, in order to save time, to place a carryout order for food from a nearby restaurant.  Cooking takes away from valuable blogging time.  (So does eating.)

5:45 Dinner is done.  Now for the best part.  The fortune cookie.  Open your fortune cookie slowly, full of anticipation.  It's a good one!  A real fortune.  Not one of those stupid proverbs.  It reads, "Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded."  Laugh to self about adding the requisite "in bed" to the ending.  That is always so damn funny!  

Begin to fantasize about the suitable rewards that you are going to receive for your talents.  Your thoughts turn to trophies, big ones, and those banquets where you get roasted.  Imagine your friends, subscribers and followers all gathered in a big hall, all laughing uproariously at the good natured ribbing you are getting.  

Realize that you can't think of any roast jokes which is ruining the fantasy.  Decide to get some roast jokes off internet to help out.  Change to your name. 
  1. Sondra Stinglash never says a bad word about anyone- that’s because she doesn't know anyone.
  2. Isn't Sondra Stinglash great? She really lights up a room... the moment she leaves it.
  3. Sondra Stinglash is a middle of a road guy, you just want to put him there and knock him down.
  4. Before I introduce Sondra Stinglash let me introduce a few people who admire and revere him.  Oh yes I forget we couldn't find any, oh well here’s Sondra Stinglash.

Realize that you forgot to change the pronouns in your fantasy and some of your roast jokes make no sense.  Feel a bit stupid about the whole thing.

6:00 Do your hourly check of subscriber and follower numbers.  Determine that your count is down by five.  Cry, "Why? Why? Why?" Hang your head in hands, despondent.  

6:05 Climb under covers and refuse to come out.   Whimper, "What have I done?  Why have they left me.  Why?  Why?  Why?"  

6:06  Search soul for answers.  Eat snacks while you search.

10:06  Realize that you have gained 10 pounds by spending all your time sitting at your computer typing these posts and checking stats obsessively.  Think about all the other things you could be doing with your time if you weren't blogging.  Why, you could be exercising, training for a new career, reading classic literature, bathing....

10:07 Vow to learn to type faster.

10:08  Brush teeth.

10:28  Go to bed.

I provide the series, "A Day In a Blogger's Life" as a public service for anyone considering getting into the blogging business.  Too many times I hear people say, "Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this?"  Few dare, as I do, to tell the inside story. 

This is copyrighted material.  (Not sure why really.  This one in particular isn't very funny.) But still, don't be a jerk and pretend you wrote it. 

The Danger Of Living With Someone Who Has a Blog

I found this note in our recycle bin.  When you live with someone who has a blog, it is probably best to shred everything.  Here is what the note said:


I'm off dropping off job applications.  Should be back soon.  You can use my computer or whatever.  Don't pee on too much stuff that isn't the toilet.


Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.  (Actually I found it and copied it, but still.)

Your Community Service Sentence

Welcome to your community service sentence. My name is Matt. Don't let the fact that my mom just dropped me off for my work shift undermine your respect for my authority. I am your warden. You will answer to me.

First off, your work here will be hard. And backbreaking. And difficult. For the next two hours you will answer to me. When I say, "Jump," you will jump. When I say, "Rake," you will rake. When I say, "Hey guys, check out my new Gameboy!" you will say, "Wow, Matt, that's cool. What games do you have?"

I'm the warden. I am in charge here. Things will be done MY way. Do you hear me? MY way. Or...if you have a very good suggestion for another way to do things then maybe we can do things your way. Got it? My way...or maybe your way. Or maybe we can incorporate the two. Some my way and some your way.

And one more thing. Don't even think about making a break for it. The only way out of community service is in a body bag, or when your mom picks you up in her nice warm mini-van at 9:00.

Any questions?

All right men. Get raking.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

More Meds

Here is another thing you can do for National Humor Month. This one is brought to you by my son, Ernest, who, as I have mentioned before, is funnier and smarter than I am.

Here's what you do-

Get a bunch of pot bellied pigs.  Any kind of pig will do, really.  The more the better.

Dress them up in pig-sized police uniforms, with little hats and billy clubs.  

Let them loose.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

Tragic Relief

As you are well aware, this is National Humor Month.  

What do you mean you didn't know?

How could you not know?  I have only written three posts about it.  Where have you been?  It is clear that it is time, my dear friend, for you to evaluate your priorities.  What are you doing this weekend, if not reading my blog?  Gardening?   Biking around town running errands?  Throwing open your windows, blasting music and sprucing up your house from top to bottom?  A total waste of time, time you could be spending reading and re-reading all of this stuff that I have so carefully written for you to read.  If you were up to date on your Callithump Thunderblog reading, you would know how important it is to get your daily dose of humor and you would be spending your time in pursuit of the loud belly guffaw, which you would find right here.

But today, I write not of comedy, but instead tragedy.  

I suppose that tragedy is a necessary part of life.  For without it, would there be comedy?  I think not.   It is necessary to have one extreme for the other to exist.  But that doesn't make it any easier when tragedy strikes.

And this week tragedy struck.  What follows is a tale not for the weak of heart.  Be warned.  It might make you cry.

The story begins, as most stories do, with a hunger.  A hunger that can only be satisfied with...


Yes.  Tacos.  Three tacos, to be exact.  Loaded with guacamole, beans, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream on crispy...

got that?  CRISPY taco shells...

Not those ridiculous soft taco shell nonsense flour tortillas.   Crispy and delicious corn taco shells enveloping delicious taco fillings.  A marriage made in heaven.

Yes.  This is how my story begins.  (Screen dissolves into wavy flashback lines.)

I am buying these tacos.  I have ordered them and I am sitting patiently on a chair waiting for these three delicious tacos to be cooked and packaged and given to me in exchange for money.  And when they are done, I pay for them.  The person selling them to me tries to give my 40 some odd cents change, but I politely decline, rooting around in my change purse for money to give to her.  A tip.  She brought me those tacos.  She should have a little extra something in her pocket for her efforts.  I produce a few quarters and tell her apologetically, "It isn't much, but I am poor."  In these hard economic times, I know that she will understand that producing that meager tip was a sacrifice on my part, and will realize the depth of my appreciation.

And it is true.  I really don't have any extra money.  I should not be spending any money on tacos.  But I am so pressed for time.  My days are so packed full that too often I allow myself the extravagance of having someone else prepare food for me.

I decline the plastic bag that is offered, opting to clutch the container in my hands rather than dangle it carelessly while I walk, in order to prevent spillage.  I take the shortcut through a neighboring building in order to get to my car.   As I round the corridor, my eye catches a glimpse of a security camera perched on high.  I smile to myself as the image forms in my mind of a security guard watching me happily skip down the hall with my tacos.  

My drive home is uneventful.  If I were a cartoon, the drawing of the car would be accompanied by the words, "Vroom, Vroom," and the thought bubble above my head would have a picture of tacos in it.

Once home, I make my way inside.  Bags falling off my arms, I set things down and look around eagerly for my tacos.  

No tacos.

I must have left them in the car.

I go to the car.  I look around.  

No tacos.  I must have overlooked them in the house.

I go back in the house.  I look around.

No tacos.  

Back to the car.

No tacos.  Back in the house.  No tacos anywhere.



Did you hear me?  NO TACOS!

The tacos are gone.  GONE.

Where they went, I will never know.  The only explanation I can think of is that I must have placed them on top of my car in order to let myself in.  And then, it seems that I must have left them there.

As you can imagine, I shed tears that night.  I reluctantly ate yogurt and granola, which is good for breakfast, but it makes a lousy dinner, especially when you had every reason to expect to be eating tacos.

And that, dear reader, is my story of tragedy. 

If you have been reading this blog religiously, like you should, a little tragedy sprinkled in here and there should be, well, no great tragedy.  After all, you have been inoculated with a steady stream of the best medicine.

Keep laughing.  It really does help.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

Even More Medicine

Here is another thing you can do for National Humor Month:

Scout around the neighborhood for a yard with hummingbird feeders. Then, get a couple of these costumes, three or four would be ideal:

Enlist the help of some friends. Dress up in the costumes and frolic around on your neighbor's yard. Periodically dip your beaks in the hummingbird feeder. Trust me. This will be hilarious.

And, if you don't have the above costumes, then improvise. Tutus, wings and a construction paper beak will work in a pinch. This combined with undershirts, boots and a few bearded middle aged guys with beer guts would work great.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

More Medicine

In honor of National Humor Month, I offer the following very funny thing for you to do-

You will need to enlist the help of a friend.  You will also need a dog collar and leash.  Here is what you do-

Have your friend walk around with you on the leash.  Do this outside, preferably in a populated location.  Do not act like a dog.  Do not dress as a dog.  Carry on as usual, talking to your friend, checking messages on your cell phone and whatnot.  And I almost forgot-

Your friend, who is walking you, should have a plastic bag of poop dangling from his/her hand.  

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it though, because I wrote it, damn it.

The Best Medicine

In honor of National Humor Month, I did a little research and as it turns out, comedy is surprisingly good for your health.  According to, a not for profit resource for information on health, humor has a positive effect on health in a variety of ways.  The article, "Humor, Laughter and Health" explains how comedy boosts both our physical and mental health.  Consider the following:  

  • Humor enhances our ability to connect with others.
  • Laughter lowers you blood pressure.
  • Humor changes your biochemical state.
  • Laughter protects the heart.
  • Humor improves brain function and relieves stress.
  • Laughter gives us a good work out.
  • Humor increases our energy
This is just a summary.   I encourage you to read the article yourself.  Once you do, you will be convinced of the importance of getting your daily dose of hilarity.

I know what you are thinking.  "How will I ever find the time to get enough humor each day?"  This is a real concern.  With global warming, the economy in crisis, our involvement in two wars and a president that doesn't lend himself to satire, getting enough humor can be a real challenge.   

Here are some effective strategies for meeting your daily allowance.  
  1. Become Michael Ian Black's sidekick.  He is freakin' hilarious.  If you hung out with him, you would be laughing all the time.
  2. Have everyone that you come into daily contact with wear flippers, because watching people gallumphing around in flippers is hysterical.
  3. Change your name to Mr. Fart-a-lot.  If you are male, this would be very funny, and if you are female, it would be a laugh-out-loud riot. 
  4. Approach your life as one big Onion article, your every thought conforming to the format of a headline.  Sample thoughts: "Area Man Self Consciously Buys Tampons For Menstruating Wife," and "Area Woman Surrounds Herself With Flipper Wearing Friends."
  5. Read Callithump Thunderblog religiously.

I know what you are thinking.  "These strategies for increasing my humor intake sound easy enough, but are there any side effects?"  

This is a very good question.  Laughter might be the best medicine, but as with any treatment, may present risks.  Side effects of excessive humor intake include but are not limited to abdominal pain, beverage expulsion via nasal passages, incontinence, crying, shortness of breath, and unseemly snorting noises and loud guffaws that might attract unwanted attention.  Furthermore, it is not recommended that you roll around on the floor as you laugh, as this can lead to contusions and fractures.  It is important to note however, that it is not possible to laugh any part of your body off, even if you are laughing unusually hard.  

Ask your doctor if incorporating humor into your everyday life is right for you.

Have fun reading! Feel free to pass these scrawlings on, but make sure to give credit. This is copyrighted material.

A Day In a Blogger's Life- Part Two

Continuation of A Day In a Blogger's Life- Part One 

11:30-  Head to kitchen.

11:40-  Grab a bowl full of cheezy crackers and sit back down at computer.  Feel good about the fact that it is precisely this kind of self sacrifice that separates your blog from the rest of those other three-square-meal-a-day blogs.   Laugh to self about all those other bastards eating their tomato soup, green salad and demi baguettes for lunch.  That sounds delicious and all, but it makes one wonder how they can possibly write quality posts with those spoons in their hands.  


11:45-  Start to daydream about starting another first rate blog, this one featuring tips for the budding blogger.  Kick-off post would be a review of different types of cheezy crackers and other snacks you can eat right at the computer.  

11:59- Pull self out of daydream.  Remember task at hand.  Start research for post.   Look at websites featuring Jessica Simpson, free movies, Cat's in the Cradle drug reference, natural attic insulation, cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto 4, make your own Easter cards, what rhymes with orange and youporn.  Spend extra time researching youporn.

12:00- Decide to put new post on back burner in order to follow a new direction.  After all, blogs need more than good writing.  Decide that it is time to pimp your blog.   The sophisticated subscriber, after all, demands both function and form.   

12:05-  Look through blog.  Look at other people's blogs.  Look at your blog again.  Read over all your posts.  Keep looking at blog.  Look at blog some more.   Ask yourself questions. What is it that this blog needs?   What is that secret stylistic element that it lacks?  Pictures?  No.  A new layout?  No, not it.  But what?  Walk around house, carrying laptop, staring into screen, reading and re-reading every post.  Sit down dejectedly, head in hands...

4:59-  Eureka!  You've got it!  

5:00-  Comb through blog and add more exclamation points.  Lots more.  

5:05-  Sit back and admire your work.

5:06-  Start thinking about dinner.

To be continued!

Have fun reading! Feel free to pass these scrawlings on, but make sure to give credit. This is copyrighted material.

A Day In a Blogger's Life- Part One

6:00- Rise and shine.  Morning yoga to prepare for blogging.

7:00- Breakfast.  Protein shake breakfast with raw eggs, to give that extra energy that blogging requires.

7:15- Check blog stats.  Subscriber number is down.  Shake head and wonder why, oh why are subscribers so fickle?  

7:16  Become hellbent on determining what subscribers really want. Check out dogpile's searchspy to see what people are searching for. 

Search reveals following:

Jessica Simpson
free movies
Cat's in the Cradle drug reference
cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto 4
make your own Easter cards
natural attic insulation
What rhymes with orange

7:30 Decide to write a post with the terms Jessica Simpson, free movies, Cat's in the Cradle drug reference, cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto 4, make your own Easter cards, natural attic insulation, what rhymes with orange and youporn liberally sprinkled throughout in an effort to attract more traffic to blog.  Briefly consider your integrity, then abandon it and get down to writing.

7:32 Call in sick to work.  Blogging is more important and soon, when you are discovered, you will not need a day job anymore.  This can only happen if you devote more time to writing.

7:35 Realize that there is no rhyme for "orange."  Feel dejected.  Sadly realize that this post is going to be harder than you think.

7:40  Read other people's blogs to see what they are writing about.  Follow links until you are deep into internet land.  Come to sudden and sober realization that you have spent almost one full hour playing kitten wars.

10:50 Break time.  Enjoy a cup of your homemade chai.  Fantasize about your own chai beverage line of products with catch phrase, "Better than the crap you are drinking."  Calculate money to be made from t-shirt sales alone.

11:15  Start thinking about lunch

To be continued

Have fun reading! Feel free to pass these scrawlings on, but make sure to give credit. This is copyrighted material.

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