Sondra Stinglash's Guide to Kindergarteners

Fact #1- Kindergarteners are very curious about people:

Kindergartener- "Who your husband is?"

Ms Stinglash- "Pardon me? I didn't quite understand the question. Can you ask me again?"

Kindergartener- "Who your husband is?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Who is my husband?"

Kindergartener (smiling)- "Yes"

Ms. Stinglash- "I don't have a husband."

Kindergartener (frowning)- "Why not?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Well..."

Kindergartener- "You are still a kid?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Yes. I am still a kid. I am way too young to get married."

Fact #2- Kindergarteners are not really very good with numbers.

Kindergartener- "Ms. Stinglash! How old are you?"

Ms. Stinglash- "How old do you think I am?"

Kindergartener- "Eleven."

Ms. Stinglash- "How old are you?"

Kindergartener- "SIXTEEN!"

Ms. Stinglash- "That makes you older than me."

Kindergartener- "AND BIGGER!!!"

Fact #3- If you want kindergarteners to avoid stepping in the throw up in the middle of the hallway, the only way is to pick them up and hurl them over it.

Ms. Stinglash- "Walk next to the wall need to be closer to the wall....Why are you walking in the middle of the hallway? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!? STOP!!!! YOU ALMOST STEPPED IN....WHY ARE YOU ALL GOING OVER THERE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? THIS WAY!!! I SAID THIS WAY!!! GET OVER THERE!!! NOW!!! AUUUUUGGGHHH!!!"

Fact #4- Kindergarteners are lousy spellers.

Kindergartner #1: "Ms. Stinglash! Ms. Stinglash! Clinton said the m word!!!!!

Ms. Stinglash (thinking) What the hell is the 'm word'?

Fact #5- Kindergarteners are not as lousy at spelling as you think.

Kindergartener #1- "I can spell a lot of words."

Kindergartener #2- "Can you spell the B word? I can spell the B word."

Kindergartener #1- "I can spell the B word too!"

Kindergartener #2- "I can spell the B word and the s word."

Kindergartener #1- "So can I!"

Kindergartener #2- "You know what word I can spell? I can spell THE F WORD!"

Teacher from across the room- "Great job kindergarteners! I like how you are all sitting and chatting so nicely with your neighbors! Looks like you have earned some marbles for our marble jar!"

Kindergartener #2- (whispers) "I can totally spell the F word."

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100th Post!

So this thing that happens- I get an idea that makes me giggle, I put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. More giggling happens as I press "publish." Then even more giggling as I read the published piece and then joyfully fantasize about all the giggling that will soon occur in front of computer screens around the world. Hard to believe that this phenomenon has happened 99 times!

Which makes this very post my 100th post! Which I had planned to re-post my first post in honor of. Which I wrote on August 21, 2008. Which I am now posting for you. Enjoy it. It is one of my favorites and the first time around no one read it but my sister....

Ironically I chose the name Sandy for myself...not knowing that eventually I would start calling myself Sandra/Sondra Stinglash...

And here it is-


This might give you an idea of where I am at these days.

I am taking a course in anatomy and physiology and we are studying cells. The other day, our professor projected an image of a sperm cell on the wall. I looked at it and the first thought that came to my mind was, "Jerk."

Clearly, right now anyway, dating a man is out of the question. My solution is to date myself for awhile. My sister and I came up with the idea of dating yourself, an idea so brilliant that it is sure to start a whole movement. This review of a blind date can shed some light on how it is done:

Date Lab
Dates like this happen every day. Heaven help us.

Sunday, March 23, 2008;

5:00 p.m., Wegmans, Grocery Store

Sandy: I thought it a bit risky to go to my date’s home for the very first date. But it was Easter and Sandy seemed to be in the same situation as I was. No family plans or Easter engagements. When she suggested that we meet at Wegmans, buy food and then go to her house to prepare dinner together, I thought, “Why not” If I got a creepy feeling from her, I could bolt before we got to her house. I found her in the produce aisle, picking out artichokes.

Sandy: I recognized Sandy right away from her picture. She looked nice. Her hair was up. She was slender and dressed in jeans, Doc Martens and a vintage coat. She looked part big city punk, part Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus.

Sandy: She seemed like my type and I was happy to see that she liked artichokes too. We picked out a couple nice ones, a small baguette, and some cheese. Sandy insisted on paying for the food, which I thought was nice.

Sandy: We walked the few blocks to my home. The weather was mild and sunny.

Sandy: We ended up walking to Sandy's home. I was surprised that we didn't drive. Maybe Sandy doesn't own a car. She seems a little out there- one of those environmental vegetarian feminist types. She had brought her own bag to Wegmans. I hope she isn't a lesbian. We mostly talked about the weather. Turns out her house is pretty close to the grocery store. Her house was kind of cool on the inside. I like the way she had it decorated.

Sandy: When we got to my house, I put the artichokes in the steamer and poured a glass of wine. That done, it was time to get to know my date better.

Sandy: I was a little put off that she hadn't bought a bottle of wine for us; instead she popped a left over bottle out of the fridge. There was really only enough for a small glass. Now that I think about it, it was probably better that way. It is better if I don't drink too much on a first date. I have gotten into trouble that way.

Sandy: We talked a bit about the books we are reading. Turns out that Sandy is an avid reader too.

Sandy: In the middle of our conversation, Sandy grabbed a book. She started reading out loud. The book was interesting and it was fun to discuss the passages she read. After a while though, she started to read to herself. I thought that was a little rude, but to be honest, I had spied an interesting book on her shelf, so I grabbed it and started reading too.

Sandy: The artichokes were ready at about 6:30. We sliced up the baguettes and cheese. I got worried because it wasn't really much of a meal, more of a light snack. But Sandy acted very gracious and said the food was delicious.

Sandy: The appetizer was delicious. I couldn't wait for the main course. I was so hungry, especially after walking from Wegmans and waiting so long for the artichokes to cook. It took me a while to realize that there wasn't going to be a main course. So, I hung out for a little while longer, to be polite, but then decided to take off. It was still early and I figured that I could stop somewhere and buy some food for myself.

Sandy: Sandy had to leave earlier than I had expected, but it was a really nice first date. I'd give the date a 4. I would definitely like to see her again. She was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable with her. I had a nice time.

Sandy: Blind dates are always a bit awkward. This one was a bit strange, but it wasn't too bad. I would give the date a 3. I would see her again, but I will wait for her to call or e-mail me.

Interviews by Loni Carbunkle

UPDATE: Sandy and Sandy exchanged e-mails addresses and phone numbers. They have sent each other a few funny youtube videos, but they haven't scheduled a second date yet.

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Yoga Class

Standing in Mountain pose, feet a comfortable distance apart, we allow our heads to reach upward, yearning for the sky, opening our hearts to life, love and possibility...

We invite our shoulder blades to plunge downward, surrendering to the earth's gravitational pull, imagining our feet growing roots that coil and wrap into the center of the earth...

While at the same time, widening the back of our necks with each nourishing inhale, and then with each exhale, lengthening the neck like a little growing tree sprouting upward...

Becoming the mountain, solid and strong, feeling the little mountain goats as they graze upon our shoulders...

Breathing the arms upward as we visualize the arms reaching upward, mountain goats scurrying, our hands journeying together as if long lost lovers reunited after many years apart...

Hands as lovers, joining together in prayer position, palms pressing together, whispering to one another things that only hands can whisper...

Chest heaving upward with an inhale sending the hands skyward, ripping apart, divorcing outward, hanging loosely on either side of the body, strangers once again....

Arms extending outward, folding deep, deep, deep into our hip sockets, softening the knees, we dive downward into the depths of our very souls...

Guess who took a yoga teacher's training workshop?


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Beaming With Pride

Once in a great while my son, Eckhert, does something that makes me beam with pride. I know what you are thinking- that he finally started that humor blog he talked about a few months back.

Not it.

No humor blog. He did write one post which he sent to Edna, my inner editor, as he has no inner editor of his own. She checked it for typos and errors and sent it back quickly so that he could make haste setting up his blog and publishing his first post.

Which he never did. Instead he spent his time dropping dirty clothing onto his floor and throwing tissues into his garbage, watching them fall on the floor instead and shrugging.

He may have spent a bit of time studying though because he just finished high school one semester early, having rocked nine regents exams and graduating with honors. Not too shabby really.

But that isn't it either.

The beaming with pride comes from the confidence and originality he shows when he speaks to the army recruiters who are calling him regularly to tell him how joining can support him in his quest to go to college, open his own business, sleep all matters not what he says his goals are...the person on the other end of the phone has an answer for him. Joining the army, marines...what have guaranteed to make his dreams come true. He has told the recruiters that he is a pacifist, a communist, an anarchist, a sociopath, and a homosexual. He has claimed to be androphobic (afraid of men) and papaphobic (afraid of the Pope). The only thing that had them concerned was his claim of homosexuality. Everything else they could work with.

Rather than just telling the recruiters that he has no interest in joining up, he instead turns it into a game of chess- he says something outrageous and then waits for the response.

I was leaving the house the other night as Eckhert picked up the phone. It was Sargent Hunter.

"Just a second, Sargent Hunter," says my 18 year old son, "I have to say goodbye to my mommy."

Beaming I tell you. Just beaming.

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Have a Nice Day!

Hey! Is that you!? How are you!?!

It has been a long time, hasn't it? You are looking great! New haircut? No? New Glasses? No?

Oh, you got your teeth cleaned! Fabulous. It's a good look for you.

I really like your pantsuit. What would you call that color? Really? I would say that it is more of a saffron- it definitely has a bit of yellow. The little paisleys are a nice touch. Very nice.

How am I? Thanks for asking. Not bad. Can't complain.

I know! I know! You're right! I really haven't been around much! Life is so busy nowadays. You know how it is, with the kids, the dog, the family rock group tour schedule, the new slow cooker, and all the rabbits. Crazy, isn't it, how time gets away from you?

It is nice to be back. Things look pretty good around here. The followers are looking great. Nice to see all their smiling faces. I always liked those guys. A very good looking intelligent bunch of people. Good to see them again.

It was great seeing you. I have to run. I'm off to pick up more rabbit pellets. But let's get together real soon. We'll do lunch!

Have a nice day!

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The Latest Facebook Games

Some fun is going on.... just write the color of your bra in your status. Just the color nothing else. And send this on to only girls no men... It will be neat to see if this will spread the wings of cancer awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a colour in their status.


Here's a fun game for you! Just write your social security number as your status! Just the number- no explanation! Then forward this message to all your facebook friends. What a wonderful way to promote identity theft awareness!

We are playing a game...... silly, but fun! Copy this and pass it on to all Boys/Men ...... NO WOMEN!! Write the length of your member, in inches, just the measurement, nothing else!! This will be fun to see how the game spreads, and spreads awareness of erectile dysfunction and we are leaving the women wondering whats UP! They will have no idea why all the men have 8 plus inches as their status! Let's have some fun and support a worthy cause :)

Some fun is going on.... just write the name of the racial group you dislike the most as your status. Just the group nothing else. And send this on... It will be so neat to see how this promotes the cause of bigotry awareness.

Some FB friends have put togeher a "SUPPORT DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITY AWARENESS GAME" It is really simple. All you have to do is post your IQ as your status message. Don't explain what you are doing, just post the number. This will be a fun way to spread the wings of developmental disability awareness and it will really have the retards guessing!

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Shut Up!

Haven't heard much from Ms. Stinglash lately have you? Beginning to worry, weren't you? Of course you were. You may have busied yourself bringing forth holiday cheer, making merry, toasting in the new year, etc...but all of that was to keep your mind off your nagging concern about Sondra Stinglash and her strangely uncharacteristic silence.

Let me enlighten you. You see, as it turns out, the always-full-of-surprises-woman-of-unending-mystery, Sondra Stinglash, has a bit of a spiritual side. And it was just that very side that brought her to ring in the new year without so much as a peep, as she was immersing herself in a blanket of quiet at a silent meditation retreat, spending her time being one with her breath, attending to the here and now and all of that.

Here is some useful information to help YOU survive your next 5 day silent meditation retreat.

You will need to learn to walk like a zombie. They call it walking meditation. But seriously, it is hard to get past the fact that everyone looks like the undead when they do it, especially when they are walking outside en masse. The walking meditation is painfully slow. We were encouraged to take a few super slow motion steps and then pause, taking a moment to close our eyes and breathe and be present in the body and then to take another step or two. The trick, as it turns out, to blending in is to wear boots and to leave them unlaced so that you have to take really slow careful steps so as to not lose your shoes. It works like a charm. Turns out that the other people are not sticking out their arms in front of them, however, so resist that urge.

Also, resist the urge to put a tiny Buddha statue on the knee of the meditator next to you while she is deep in meditation. If you don't remember the Sienfeld episode that might inspire such an action, I will refresh your memory. Elaine and Jerry are at a piano recital and Jerry puts a pez dispenser on Elaine's knee. She, of course, is left having to stifle her laughter and not go into convulsions in the recital hall. Turns out that the trick is even more hilarious in a meditation hall. That is, it WOULD be more hilarious if those meditation junkies had a sense of humor.

As it turns out, talking is overrated. You will get by just fine without speaking for a week. Don't be afraid. After a brief adjustment period you won't miss the verbal thing at all.

Except for swearing.

Turns out that when you do slip up and accidentally speak aloud, you can neatly and spontaneously express that which needs to be voiced using only one, or at most, two words.

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