Wordless Wednesday. Which Means a Post With No Words. Don't Let This Long Ass Title Fool You. Alternate Title- Car Shopping Fun

I went out car shopping with my friend Boris and we ended up in a display room with cubicles and desks but not a soul around. It was so very quiet and empty. It was as if it had been the site of an extraterrestrial visit where the aliens had scooped down and scored themselves some nice specimens of the used car salesman variety. While we stood there waiting for somebody (anybody? hello?) to help us, we noticed a display cabinet full of model cars.

The sign says, "Please! Do NOT TOUCH Display or Play With cars in it!
Thank you."

I had not even thought of playing with the cars until reading the sign that told me not to. Once the idea was planted in my mind, however, I could think of nothing else.

Must. Take. Cars. Down....
Must. Play. With. Cars...
Must. Make. Car. Sounds....
Must. Push. Cars. Around. Showroom...

We stayed in control, but it was really, really, very difficult, as you can imagine.

Haven't I built a great case for getting in a car accident? "The Rig!" "Push Button Start Rental Car!" And now this! Bet you're jealous.

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The 10 Best Things About Being In a Automobile Accident That Isn't Your Fault (Part Two) Redux

I got off track a bit trying to finish this post, and by off track I mean that I got a big case of the feel sorries for myself. I am better now, so here we go, the last four of the list of best things about being in a car accident that is not your fault.

4. You get a cool rental car. Way cooler than a 1979 Pinto. And what I mean by cool is that it has a button you press to turn it on. And then you spend most of your time sitting in the rental car pressing the button, turning the car off an on again. You make a show of it and ignore the eye rolling when you invite your teenage son, Elliot, once more to come out to sit in the car to watch you turn it on and off. "OK, how about this time you can push the button, Elliot! Won't that be fun?"

3. You get to tell people that your car was totaled and watch their eyes get really big. "Yeah," you say, "T O T A L E D." Big eyes. Right on cue.

2. You get to buy a new car. During the process of deciding, you get to fantasize about what kind of car it will be. You fantasize about sun roofs, push button starting, butt warming seats, smart cars, hybrids that tell the world how much you care, etc. In the end, you will most likely get an affordable, unremarkable car like a Corolla, but in the meanwhile, you imagine yourself riding about town stealthily in your shiny Prius, listening to NPR; heads turning to see who that fine cultured person is who cares so much about the environment that she not only talks the talk, but walks the walk, except without the walking part. The fantasy goes on to include how you spring from your hybrid, canvas shopping bags in hand because you are the kind of person who never leaves said bags in the middle of the kitchen floor when heading out to the grocery store, remembering them only when you are in line at the cash register when it is too late and are forced to bring your goods home in earth-raping plastic bags. You glide effortlessly to the organic section of the grocery store....no wait...

Scratch the grocery store. You drive to your local community supported agriculture farm, of which you are a member and you begin harvesting your dinner, new red potatoes pulled out of the earth, swiss chard, kale, garlic...no wait....

Scratch the CSA. You drive to the organic farm that you planted in an abandoned lot in the center city. The lot that was, until you got the great idea to create a garden, the infamous site of the dog prostitution ring/toddler auction house/crack cocaine meet-up spot. Now the lot is an abundant feast of color and hope and deliciousness in the form of life and soul sustaining vegetables and flowers. Dozens of smiling urban youth are joyfully weeding and harvesting as you pull up silently in your Prius. The toddlers and the dogs are now all in first rate homes being well cared for. The sense of joy and renewal is palpable....

1. You get to count your blessings and be thankful, because although life just handed you some lemons, you know that life could have handed you way worse things than that.

(And you marvel at the fact that you got three posts out of it.)

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10 Best Things About Being In an Automobile Accident That Is Not Your Fault (Part Two)

Here is the rest of the list of best things about being in an automobile accident that isn't your fault.

5. The lady on the phone from Geico calls you Madame. Not Miss. Not Ma'am. But Madame. All French like. No one else has ever done this before and it leaves you wondering how you can get more people to refer to you in this manner.

4. You get to get a rental car which is way cooler than your car. Except, in my case, the rental car is a 1978 Ford Pinto, which leads me to this-

Getting in a car accident sucks. Those 10 best things? Just polyanna-ish new agey acceptance bullshit. My body hurts. I have had ringing in my ears ever since the accident. My car was totaled and now I have to buy a new one and my car wasn't worth that much so I don't have a lot of money to work with and this isn't very funny is it? Except what you don't know is that whiny is the new funny so start laughing because this is effing hilarious.

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10 Best Things About Being In An Automobile Accident That Isn't Your Fault. (Part One)

10. You get to experience that slow motion thing where time is all drawn out and you can see the other car coming towards you and you know you can't do anything about it even though it feels like you have all kinds of time, but you somehow know that you don't because you are aware that time is not behaving like it is supposed to and you are thinking, "Is this really happening? Is this car really going to hit me? Yes. This car is going to hit me. It really is." And then it does and the impact is really hard and your car spins around and there is this big crash sound that accompanies it, but it all feels so slow and almost surreal. And you think to yourself that you know that you were just in an accident and that sucks but at the same time it was kinda trippy.

9. You are pleasantly surprised that no less than six drivers stop to ask if you are OK and if they can call the police and your faith in humanity which was destroyed about a month ago floods back and you think, "People are kind." And the lady who hit you because she didn't see you sitting at that light being all law abiding, which is your default way of being despite your desire to be seen as a bad ass, the one who drove straight into you because the sun was in her eyes, why even she is a nice lady. And you realize that most people are nice and care about one another and want to help and you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

8. You get to see a bunch of handsome men in uniform, especially because the fire department shows up because the nice lady's car is spilling all sorts of brightly colored fluids onto the street. And there are police officers there as well as paramedics. All in all a feast for the eyes for the type of women who likes a man in uniform. And which I am one of these types of women, at least for some kinds of uniforms: firefighters and police officers, yes; marching band uniforms and boy scout uniforms, not so much. The only thing that would have made the uniformed man aspect of my accident better would have been if a few UPS drivers would have shown up. All those nice people wanting to help and no one thought of calling UPS.

Seriously, innocent bystanders without anything to do, would it have been so hard call him?

7. You get to go into the rig, and by rig I mean ambulance. Rig is what the paramedic called it as in, "Come on back to the rig and I will take your vitals." The rig? I get to go into the rig! I felt like an excited three year old. I get to go into the rig! And in the rig I got my vitals taken. Twice. Turns out that my "vitals" are my blood pressure. That was it. I got my blood pressure taken. Twice. And it turns out that I am one calm person. Guess that all that meditation is paying off. Last time I got into an accident, which again wasn't my fault, and again I was waiting at a red light being all law abiding as usual and someone rear-ended me, I was all freaked out. But, this time I wasn't all shaky with that feeling that all the blood had dropped down to my feet and that my head was all swimmy and I was all feeling sorry for myself. This time I was all pulled together and I got to say things like, "I believe I have a contusion on the medial side of my right knee at the proximal end of the fibula here." And, "I am having some pain upon rotation at the levels of C5 and C6 which I believe is muscular in origin." This is because I graduated from massage school a few months ago and then studied my ass off for the New York State massage boards which I am waiting to hear back if I passed and if I don't pass I will be really upset because I studied and I know lots of shit. Lots of it. Which leads me to the following dream-

I dreamt that I took the massage boards and there was a lot of algebra in the exam. But the algebra was way easy, or so I thought, so I wasn't worried. I took my test up to be graded because in my dream the grading happened right away in front of your eyes, not taking eight weeks like in real life and happening in Albany, and the grader took a giant red pen and started marking everything wrong with big dramatic actions and a look of disgust on his face. "Wrong!" he cried. "Wrong again!" And then, shaking his head, he put the test down and said, "I cannot even finish grading this exam." And I thought, "That just isn't fair. Why did they have to put so much algebra in it?"

6. You get to refer to your car as "she," as in "Do you think she is drivable?" and "Where will she be towed, officer?" I like to use old fashioned words and expressions and I have always liked the notion of referring to machines as gendered. And cars are shes. This is because they they are like great big wombs. They carry people and then birth them at their destinations. My computer, while not a vessel for carrying, is a she as well, because she is cute and diminutive, but at the same time powerful. For a time I referred to her as my girlfriend. That was back in the infatuation phase. Now that she has been around for awhile and that stage has passed, not that we are in the conflict stage or anything, I refer to her as "my computer."

There are 5 more best things about being in an automobile accident which is not your fault and I will post them soon. So stay tuned. And drive carefully.

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Cat With Mouse

A friend posted this picture on my FB wall. In case you don't fully understand the humor, I will provide the following tutorial-

The picture depicts a cat who is commenting on a blog post. My blog post. The cat, upset that I would suggest petting a cat the wrong way, is "leavin rude commentz" for me, Sondra Stinglash, the bad ass.

This is funny for many reasons which I will now explain to you, in detail. First of all, the idea of a cat using a computer and typing a comment on a blog is very, very silly because as everyone knows cats lack opposable thumbs and human language skills. They can't use a computer. The personification of animals is an absurd concept that we humans universally find delightful. Plus we get a great big kick out of it. And that is what makes it funny. And here is something else that is funny. The cat in this picture has its paw on a mouse. Cats like to chase mice, as in little furry rodents. The controller thing is also called a mouse. So, it is funny, a cat with its paw on a mouse. It's like a play on words.

But what makes this picture really funny is the caption. We already established that the whole idea of a caption writing cat is funny, but this particular caption includes unconventional spelling. In the field of education, we like to call this "invented spelling." It is a developmental step that human children who posess opposable thumbs and language skills pass through as they learn to write. Invented spelling in and of itself is funny. It's cute. It is innocent and lovable and that is how we think of our pets, so it is only appropriate that a cat would spell that way. I can just imagine this cat asking, "Ms. Stinglash. How do you spell comments?" to which I would reply, "Just spell the sounds that you hear, Boots." Then, to make it even funnier, Boots writes a rude comment. This is also very funny because of the shock value. When kids or animals say rude things we don't expect it is funny. For example, one day in class a kid said to me, "Ms. Stinglash! Your feets stink." That actually wasn't funny, and I cried a little bit, but had it been on TV with a laugh track behind it, it would have been hilarious.

Of course, modern day texting has the masses stuck developmentally in the stage of invented spelling. Funny? Sad? U B the judge of that one. We can all agree, however, that when a cat does it, it's funny.

So there you have it. A cat is mad at me because of some commentz I made about petting cats backwards. I guess that makes me a true bad ass. Ms. CatLadyLarew over there at How To Be A Cat Lady Without the Cats and I seem to be in a bit of a bad ass contest. Never mind that she got thrown in jail for not actually drinking and that she stole my coveted picture that was given to ME for her own gains. I laughed about doing something that would cause a cute cuddly cat discomfort. And not only that, I continue to find it amusing. So there.

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Happy Blog-O-Versary Callithump Thunderblog

In honor of the one year anniversary of my entry into the blog-o-sphere, I did a google search for "Callithump Thunderblog." And here is a really puzzling, slightly scary post that I ran across. Its derivation is my Five Fascinating Facts post, but it reads as if it were translated into Russian and then translated back into English using a Bablefish translator. I think that the existence of this massacre of a piece of my writing means I have hit the big time. Get a load of this weird shit:

Callithump Thunderblog: Five Fascinating Facts

Now that I sire attracted such a kind following, on the intact (Double digits like my latest fun-sized monthly earnings!!!) my fans stalkers on the intact readers sire evolve into stiff-necked in their demands inasmuch as adverse information with notation to me. on the intact The questions not stopping-place. on the intact “Sondra Stinglash,” they wail, “You are such an complication! on the intact Tell us something, anything at all, that want aid us to see both your intricacy and adept!” on the intact It is a rare item to sire them all yelling in unison like that- affectionate of surreal, but I see that it comes with the bailiwick, so I put up with it. on the intact Here are 5 fascinating facts with notation to me that want aid uncover the secrets of Sondra Stinglash and as an added wonderful want also call as a advantageous adviser when you are disturbing upwards what to suborn inasmuch as me. And I want desire.

1. I had been so focused and had worked inasmuch as so have a yen for that I had not noticed that my source had gone to bed. on the intact I formerly fini 4 hours composition my handwriting, as an harry from the log Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. There I was, in a steady abode, on the intact sitting in a covert live subservient to my lamp, all no more than. The log was proper. on the intact Gazing upon the composition, I couldn’t elevated how cooked through I had done, inasmuch as someone who had not been olden handwriting to unholster earliest.

Drawing was all with notation to seeing, not with notation to manner. And then I noticed it. I had captured every double upwards, every crease, every short-listed for. The picture had six fingers.

Pretty much every facility I sire gotten upwards the odds year, I excitedly ref prearrange is an i-phone. 2. on the intact It doesn’t chance what measure assess the combine is.

If it is a actually piddling combine, I deem that it is anyone of those on the intact inflatable expandable i-phones that no has heard of still because it is so entirely latest. on the intact If it is a oustandingly combine, I aspect a figure in my concentration of on the intact cranny anyone combine fittings that contains a smaller combine fittings which contains a smaller combine fittings until I regain to the combine fittings with the i-phone. on the intact I regain entirely flustered, dizzy all but, and affectionate of blown away that someone would discharge me such an overpriced facility. This keeps charming position. on the intact And I influence, “You shouldn’t sire!” on the intact Then I free it and it is not an i-phone.

3. on the intact One should influence a utterance in its wholeness to some extent than using its dirty shortening. I sire a course against abbreviations. on the intact That is why I influence on the intact “gasoline,” “gymnasium,” and “cellular the horn,” at most to cite a not uncountable examples. on the intact These are professional words and they should be inured to.

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How To Be a Bad Ass

The following is a transcript of a Facebook Chat.

Mom: I was chatting with a friend and she said that I was the least threatening person she knows.

Son: I am not threatening either.

Mom: I want to be more threatening.

Son: Me too.

Mom: She said that even when I swear I am not threatening, in fact she said that when I called Whats-his-name a F#$@Face, she laughed.

Son: That is funny.

Mom: No it isn't! I don't want to be funny. I want to be a bad ass.

Son: Me too.

Mom: We should take a martial arts class or get a gun or something.

Son: Good idea

Mom: I am going to think of the most shocking thing I can. We should kill a kitten. No. Forget I said that. I take that back. We shouldn't do that. That's terrible. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I...

Son: I know what we should do. We should PET a kitten.

Mom: YES! That is exactly what we should do. We should PET a kitten.

Son: The wrong way!

Mom: The wrong way! Yes! That really is bad. We should totally do that! We will pet a kitten from tail to head! That is just what we shall do.

Note- No kittens were harmed in the writing of this post. No kittens will be petted in the wrong direction either. You know me better than that.

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