Callithump Thunderblog

I have been reading through my writings, and have noticed that there are times when I violate a very important rule. You know the one: if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Sometimes I say mean things. In print. And then I post them for the world to see. Especially my tweets. They are just not very nice at all.

To my credit, I do control myself. Case in point. I did not publish a scathing piece targeting the manager of the "Loser's Bagel" store who I had a run in with yesterday. Said manager had the people skills of a rabid raccoon, only she wasn't as smart. Said manager insisted that the soured milk that ruined my coffee was fresh despite the fact that it wasn't. In the end, I was left with coffee that I couldn't drink and all kinds of unkind feelings directed towards her. Unkind feelings that I didn't write about, as tempting as it was.

But even though I don't write down every mean thing I think, I do write mean stuff. And even though it is funny, that is no excuse. It just isn't nice. So, to counteract the negative energy that I have created and to make it up to my readers, I would like to offer some balance.

Here is a video of really cute kitten pictures I found on the internet.

Of late, I have been dreaming great quotes.   Dreaming them.  Not dreaming them up.  The quotes actually come to me in a dream.  As I slumber, one of the characters in my dream says something interesting, such as:

"Does coffee count as aroma therapy?"

Here is another one:

"This massage school used to be so good that Rodney King's agent called us to ask us for our carrot cake recipe."

There is an interesting thing that happens sometimes, in my dream life.   I will be dreaming away and one of my dream characters  will say something cool, crack a great joke or choreograph an epic dance about DNA replication.  And I will have this sort of thought, "Wow, I wish I said cool things like that!"  and I will feel deeply envious of the talent and intelligence of the dream character.   And then, still asleep, I will come to the realization that I am having a dream.  Once that realization is made, the understanding quickly follows that I am, in fact, the dreamer.   And as the dreamer, it is I who spoke that great line, made that hilarious joke or choreographed that brilliant dance!  My brain masterminded the whole thing!  

With that realization, the celebration of my brain begins.  My amazing brain!   An urgent thought pops into my mind, "When news of this gets out, the scientists are going to order up a series of tests to study my brain immediately!  What in the world will I wear?"

Then I wake up.

And as I rub the sleep out of my eyes, and think back to the dream du jour (occurring ironically, at night), this idea of myself as a brilliant, talented innovator with fantastically developed frontal lobes is dealt a powerful blow.  It seems that my wide awake brain doesn't think that the material that my dream brain comes up with is quite as funny, smart or important as my dream brain thinks it is.  What my wide awake brain does think, however,  is that my dream brain is terrifically entertaining.  After all, my wide awake brain loves weird stuff.  The dream brain is like having a weird stuff delivery man in your head asking, "So where do you want me to put these strange images, nonsensical sequiturs and surreal juxtapositions?" 

Here's another quote brought to you by my dream brain:

"We have a washing machine in the other room, but then you all would have to deal with the no-pants thing." 

What do you know?  That one actually holds up.  I am brilliant.

Son as sidekick. This is an interesting idea though. It made me think. If Emanuel were my sidekick, he would hang out with me and we would crack jokes and do things together. And he would feed himself and buy his own clothing...I wouldn't concern myself with his schooling or transportation to events. It wouldn't matter to me what time he got up in the morning or what time he went to bed at night. We would have no other responsibility than to amuse one another, like that lovable television duo of Laverne and Shirley. But as I think more about it, I realize that Laverne was Shirley's sidekick as much at Shirley was Laverne's sidekick. Emanuel as my sidekick, ok. Me as Emanuel's sidekick? That doesn't work for me. Time to consult Wikipedia.

The surgeon general warns that Callithump Thunderblog could cause weight gain in excess of 5 pounds.  Says Sondra Stinglash, a regular contributer to the famous humor blog, "I come home each night and sit in front of my computer for hours, trying to think of ideas for the blog."  The sedentary nature of staring at a screen, typing a few words and then hitting delete, is compounded by her habit of eating bowls of flavored potato chips and fist-fulls of string cheese while she writes.  "It helps me think," she explains.  Says Stinglash, who has put on over 5 pounds since Callithump Thunderblog began in August of 2008, "Someone needs to get the word out that this blog is bad for your health.  I found out the hard way."  

Writer's block.  Bad.  Thought twittering would help.  It doesn't.  Now I am having a hard time with producing more than 140 characters at any one time.  (See right column for tweets.  Isn't that cool? I know the vernacular!)

I refer you then to a favorite blog of mine.  After all, it is about time for an official plug for the Cat Lady.  When she doesn't have writer's block she writes great stories.  You will be happy you visited.  

Plus, she says it way better than I can.  And it isn't plagiarism when you don't take credit and you don't actually write their words.

And I am not sure if you can accuse someone of stealing the idea to have no ideas.

Look who is on Twitter!

Or just look to the left and down a ways.  There I am twittering away...

 17 subscribers.  All of above average intelligence and extremely good looking.  Last seen at www.allakimbo.blogspot.com.  These subscribers are not strays.  They come from good homes and are well cared for.  It is likely that they are wandering around, in a futile search for slightly off-beat humor pieces.  

There you are!  It is so good to see you!!

 You found our new address!  We are still unpacking and arranging our furniture etc, but it is already beginning to feel like home.  The neighbors are great and there is plenty of room.  And the best part is that we are just down the street from The Sunshine Day School, so the kids can walk to school.

Do you mind giving me a hand with this couch?  It is not heavy, just awkward.  Let's put it over there.  Yep.  There.  OK, got it?  Here we go.  (Lots of grunting and muffled swearing.)  Perfect!  Although...I wonder if it would look better over there...

"The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood."  

If you are an Onion reader, you will be able to place those words immediately.  You will find that quote on page 180 of The Onion's Complete News Archives, Volume 14, titled Ad Nauseam.  You will also find it on pages 65, 102 and 216.   You can't miss it.  Look for the news story that reads like this, "The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.  The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.  The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.  The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.  The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.  The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood....The passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood."  

Usually the story is a bit longer, however.

It is a great trick.  It is sensational.  It can be adapted to the space that is available, and it is funny. 

It is filler, is what it is. 

And filler, is what I need.

You see, my first goal for this blog was to write stuff to make my family laugh.  When I would post an entry, I would immediately call my family and let them know to check it out.  Before I got the idea to publish my drivel on a blog, I would just e-mail my family funny stuff that I wrote.  They loved my writing for two reasons.  For one, they liked it because they are supposed to like it and two, they are hard wired to find humor in the same things that I think are funny.  

In the early weeks of the blog, it was thrilling when a family member reported back to me that they had read a piece.  Then...

Other people began to read it.  I knew this was happening because I told them to read it and then later they reported back to me that they had indeed read it.  Of course, some of the people I talked to just started to avoid me.  But, it was pretty thrilling when a friend reported back to me that they had read a piece.  But then...

I started wondering if there were people who were reading it and not telling me.  So...

I subscribed to Feedburner.  Feedburner tracks statistics on my subscribers.  I don't really know exactly what that means.  All I know is that subscribers are different than followers.  Subscribers actually sign up to receive blog posts via a feed or by e-mail.  Subscribers are anonymous.  And, from the stats I receive, it seems that subscribers are fickle.  They seem to like it when I post a lot.  If I don't, my subscribers drop off.  Consequently, I find myself trying to make my subscribers happy.

This means that in between my more developed pieces that I am very proud of, I must also post pieces that are shorter or less developed.  This is the dilemma of the blog format.  In order to get more people to read the diamonds, it seems necessary to post some cubic zirconia.  

Here is some filler for you, then.  For today's filler post, I have compiled a list of some of the more interesting subject lines of  recent e-mails to hit my spam filter.  Here they are, in no particular order: