This Proud Moment In Parenting Brought To You By the Fine People At Blogger

Having a teenage son is full of challenging moments in parenting. But recently, my son, Edric, said something to me that made me beam with pride! Straight A's, you wonder? An after school job? Did he tell me that he thought that it would be good if he started taking responsibility and giving back to the community by volunteering at the children's hospital on weekends?

Better.

Last night Edric turned to me and announced, "Mom. I am going to start my own humor blog."

Humor blog? Be still my heart. I must be doing something right.

Join me in welcoming Edric to this elite universe, available only to the select few who have procured the elusive Google account. And what better time is there? For, as Edric begins his journey, he will be fortunate to have the loving guidance of his elders, something that was not afforded to us trail blazers who had to go it alone, learning as we went, way back in the early years.

So this is for you, Edric. As you begin this new venture, I offer you the following hard won advice-
  1. Come up with a good title right off the bat. It is confusing for your readers when you end up changing your blog's name, like every single day, for instance.

  2. Try not to care if anyone reads your blog. Seriously, just try.

  3. Hire Edna to edit. She is looking for a different gig anyhow.

  4. Respond to comments. Don't freak out when someone comments like I used to do. The first time I got a comment from someone I didn't know, I crawled under my bed and didn't come out for a day. What do you mean strangers are reading this stuff?

  5. Don't write about anything that will hurt, offend or cause a restraining order to be filed against you...Ask permission or disguise that story about your relative or co-worker as an allegorical tale featuring woodland creatures. And that thing you were going to post about your mother? Think again, Young Grasshopper, think again.

  6. Brush your teeth at least twice a day, if not after every meal. This is just plain good advice.

  7. Use pictures. They sure jazz up the joint.

  8. Read other people's work. And try to read other stuff too, like books, for instance. Seriously, they can be good to read.

  9. Keep posting. Keep posting. Or is that keep coughing? I can never remember.

  10. As much as you will want to spend all your time on-line playing with your new bloggy friends, it is really important to do other things and connect with other people. It is important to have fleshy friends too.

  11. Stop at 10 when you make any sort of a list. It's convention for a reason. You don't have to get all creative with everything.




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Why you stick with your original idea of pretending not to hear when your son cries "MOM!" in the middle of the night.

I am going to dash off a very quick post. Like I have 10 minutes before I leave the house kind of post; many would not attempt such a thing, but I am going to dazzle you with an act of brilliance of such caliber that my commenting audience will accuse me of cheating. "This post reeks of hours upon hours of earnest effort and hard work too, coupled with a liberal dash of Edna consulting; so fine craftedly honed it is," they will cry.

Or maybe not.

Probably not. Stop getting your hopes up.

It's just a stupid blog post anyway. If you want fine writing go to the library or something.

Here we go. An on-the-go, off-the-cuff, drive-by post. Problem is, I am a slow writer. It wasn't always that way, however.

I used to be a slow choreographer.

I don't make dances anymore on account of in the post college real world you have to pay for rehearsal space by the hour and the usual rule of thumb which is going to sound super slow to all you uninitiated folks who have taken choreographers for granted your entire lives, is that it takes one hour to come up with one minute of material. For real. That is a long time. So, next time you watch the ending of The 40 Year Old Virgin, where they burst out into song and dance, the "Age of Aquarius" number, just think about that. For me it took longer. No. Not the 40 year thing. THAT didn't take quite that long. I was talking about choreography, remember? The rule of thumb?

I liked making dances. I could be all arty and weird and tell people to do things like FLAIL FASTER and EMBODY THE TREE and the pieces that I came up with were great to watch and fun to make. But if I did it now, if I had to hire dancers and hire a space to rehearse and a space to perform, I would pretty much be spending all my time and money on making dances. So I make writing instead. It is cheap. But it isn't fast for me either.

So, that just took me 2 hours. Sigh.

But what I really wanted to tell you is that the other night I was sleeping and it was great because it took me awhile to get to sleep so I was really happy and felt like I was doing a good job of it but then it was great no longer because I got awakened by my son, Everet, who woke me up by yelling

MOM!

And I pretended I didn't hear him.

And then he yelled another word

BAT!

And then my heart sank and I wished I could shrink down really small in my bed or make myself invisible by squinting my eyes up real tight. But no, I can't do any of that as I am the grown up. Being the grown up means that when my son, Everet, yells that there is a bat in the house, it is my job to get up and do something about it.

So, I pull myself out of bed. I go downstairs.

Everet has the situation well in hand.

He is wearing a pair of white evening gloves. ??? (Should I be worried?) He has goggles on. There is a shirt wrapped around his head, a scarf protecting his face and he is brandishing a PVC pipe. He looks crazed, in an insane cross-dressing bat-killing kind of way.

"What do you plan to do with that pipe?" I ask.

"Beat it to death."

"Put that down," I say.

We sneak around the downstairs real quiet-like, spying for the bat.

We find it hanging from a window sill trying to be all nonchalant, like, "I'm a bat and I am all wrapped up in my wings, hanging here upside down in my special bat way which makes me invisible so you can just move along because there is nothing to see here." And it was actually kinda cool in an Addam's Family kind of way and for a minute I wished I were right then and there having a Halloween party instead of doing what I usually do on Halloween which is turn out all the lights and hide in my bed, willing the trick-or-treat-ers to go away with my mind. My Halloween party guests would like the bat. "Very realistic," they would tell me.

We devise a plan. I hit the bat with a broom and the bat falls to the floor and then flies up and nose dives behind a pile of laundry while we shriek alot. After all the shrieking, we manage to trap the bat under a overturned basket.

Job well done. We congratulate ourselves.

Then the bat began to echo-locate which means it made creepy bat sounds and then it tried to escape by sticking its wing under the edge of the basket. More shrieking. Much more shrieking.

Did I tell you that bats freak me out? Apparently it is hereditary.

Anyhow, after we stopped shrieking, we managed to scoot the basket and bat all the way to the back door. Then we opened the door and kicked the bat and basket out, which made us feel all successful again until we realized that the basket had landed overturned on the bat, meaning that we were going to have to open the door and free the bat and then close the door real fast so that the bat didn't fly back in the house.

Yes, fly. They fly, people. That is what makes bats so freaky. The fly all erratically and swoop and I am pretty sure that they build nests in people's hair especially if their hair is naturally curly and beautify and shiny like mine is and if that happens you pretty much die of fright.

In the end, we watched the bat fly into the night sky and felt pretty good about the whole thing. No one died of fright. The bat wasn't harmed. And the whole ordeal took ten minutes or less.

It took me 2 hours to fall back to sleep.


And it took me 2 1/2 days to write this.


Happy Halloween.







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A Message From the Sunshine Day School





















The Halloween season is upon us again. And with this holiday comes another annual event- the reprinting of the Message From the Sunshine Day School. Since writing this piece I have done an internet search for 'Sunshine Day School' and have discovered that there are more than a few schools with this name. The Sunshine Day School in this post, however, is fictional, which means that as much as you would like to, you will not be able to enroll your child. And believe me, you are going to want to. Enjoy.




Dear Families,

Here at The Sunshine Day School, our holistic approach to education includes a deep concern for the social, emotional, and intellectual well being of your child. We have observed that what the children eat for snacks and lunch has a profound effect on their learning and behavior here at school. Halloween is a time of year when it might be tempting to bring unhealthy snacks to school. With that in mind we would like to remind you of The Sunshine Day School policy for snacks and lunch.

1. No candy or soda is allowed at school.

2. Whole grains are preferred over white flour products.

3. Be mindful of the allergies of your child's classmates- no peanut butter, tree nuts, egg products, or shell fish products here at school please.

4. No sugary snacks. Although there are many sugar substitutes to choose from, including maple syrup, honey and stevia, we discourage their use at school, because they set the stage for developing a preference for sweetened food rather than fostering a love of natural unadulterated flavor. We encourage you to think as we do and consider these substances for what they really are: gateway sweeteners. Their use puts your child at a significantly higher risk for future experimentation with chemical sweeteners such as Aspertame and Splenda as well as abuse of illicit sweeteners including the mainlining of high fructose corn syrup.

5. Unless your child is of bovine decent, we will allow no cow milk products at school. We encourage you to instead provide yogurt and cheese lovingly made from your own breast milk.

6. All fruits and vegetable waste will be composted. Seeds will be saved and planted in school garden. Ingested seeds, such as those from strawberries, will be excreted via bowel movement, as mother nature intended, into an appropriate spot in our garden. Parents need to be aware that if the child's bowel movement occurs after school hours, it is their responsibility to consult garden map to determine exact drop location.

7. We encourage our families to provide local sustainably grown food for their child's snacks or lunches. Better yet, consider growing or gathering your own food. We understand that this is easier to do during the warmer months but would like to point out that when gathering proves impractical, hunting provides a viable option. Squirrels and plump birds that stick around because they are dependent on the bird seed we provide for them are plentiful during the winter months. We also encourage you to take advantage of the veritable smorgasbord of road kill available almost all year round. Small animals that your child has tortured and killed are also acceptable. If your child chooses to bring in the ever popular "Rodent on a Stick" for snack, make sure that the stick is either reusable or made from an easily renewable resource such as bamboo or a piece of whole wheat spaghetti.


Have a very happy Halloween. We so appreciate your cooperation and as always it is an honor to educate your child.


Sincerely,

The Sunshine Day School


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Just Another Conversation Over Coffee In the Stinglash Household

Another transcript of a real conversation that took place this morning in the Sondra Stinglash household.

Person 1: That's my coffee mug.

Person 2: It's mine. I have squatter's rights. Besides, you never drink out of this mug.

Person 1: That's because MY MUG is never available.

Person 2: You drink your coffee out of a drinking glass.

Person 1: I am forced to. You have my tall mug. I like drinking my coffee from tall drinking vessels, so I use a glass.

Person 2: That's stupid.

Person 1: No it's not. It is very European.

Person 1: No it's not. It's stupid. You're stupid.

Person 2: No. You're stupid.

Person 1: No, you are.

Person 2: No, you are.

Person 1: You're so stupid that every day you have a date to go on a picnic with the Stupid Fairy.

Person 2: You're so stupid that you are the lead singer for the Idiot Island's Polka Band.

Person 1: Oh yeah. You're so stupid that you got a bad score on your SAT exam and had to go to a community college.


OK. So I took some liberties in the recording of this exchange. The word vessel was not really used. That would be a little pretentious.






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Exploding Blogs. Kids Saying the Darnedest Things. And Lots Of Strikethroughs.


Way back when I started my blog, I became obsessed with was looking for ways to boost my numbers, as in hits, as in people reading my blog or at least clicking on it before saying, "This isn't what I am looking for," and immediately exiting in order to find their goat thing of the day, or whatever it is that people really want because, take it from me, this blog isn't it. So, I joined this group called Blog Explosion. The explosion part refers to the theory that the number of visitors to your blog will explode, or increase, rather than any blog actually exploding. I know that you are disappointed, for what could be cooler than an exploding blog? Blog Explosion works by forcing you giving you the opportunity to look at other members' blogs by giving you a new one to view every 30 seconds or so. You get points for each blog you view and those points allow your blog to be surfed by other members. So, that's how it works.

The problem with Blog Explosion is that some of the blogs on the site are crappy ass are blogs that I would never look at unless forced are not my cup of tea. We are talking about things like: how I am going to lose that weight sites, how those liberal socialists are killing this country sites, how much I love shoes sites, look how cute my cats are sites, let me tell you what I think about movies because I am pretty much a professional movie reviewer because I set up this here blog and review movies sites, and a collection of sort-of amusing stories about waiting in line and other stuff that no one cares about sites.

OMG, I just realized that I am a sarcastic bitch very discerning! Don't get me wrong, I have suspected it, off and on throughout the years. But now that I see it in black and white, it is really hitting home. Now I feel kind of bad.

But not that bad because...

Despite it being a great concept, I got very, very few followers from Blog Explosion. And although, it was fun to see my hit number increase on the days that I forced other people to surf my blog participated, I have a suspicion that I just wasn't their cup of tea either and maybe even they were just pretending to read my blog to get points. *gasp*

I kinda hate that expression. Not my cup of tea. It sounds so polite, but it is so dismissive.

Sondra Stinglash: Would you like to meet my baby? He is only 5 days old. Isn't he cute when he is sleeping?

Person #2: He's not really my cup of tea.

See what I mean?

And now, to make up for being such a bitch so discerning, I offer up this that I found today when I was surfing Blog Explosion due to a recent head injury failure to take my meds attack of self doubt due to low blog numbers of late ok, there is nothing I could write here to make me look good, so onward...

As a teacher, I just love those amusing kids say the darnedest things that float around on the internet. So, I am going to violate my all original material rule to re-post something I found on my blatant attempt to get more hits internet travels. I hope you enjoy reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Sondra Stinglash- When I reach adultery, I hope to live varicose to the Caersarian Section. I hear that it is lovely and the water is safe to drink there because the canoists are flirtated out.

Edna- I need a new gig. Maybe there is an opening at the Very Top Five. He seems really smart. *sigh*




Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it. Except for the things written by little kids. Although I don't really think that little kids wrote that stuff. But it is still funny.

Sondra Stinglash Gets All Topical On Your Ass

Check out the pic. (That's the way cool people say "picture.") It's Sondra Stinglash, being interrupted by Kanye West. Funny isn't it? I thought so...and topical too. Especially if you pretend like the three weeks that have passed since the VH-1 music awards never really happened.

Here is what he is saying, btw...

Yo Stinglash! I'm happy for you and Imma let you finish and I'm not saying your moves are bad, but Kurt has the best signature move of all time.

Sting! I'm happy for you and Imma let you finish. Those pants are pretty reckless, but the OptimistPessimist has bought the most reckless outfit of all time.

Hey Sondra! I'm happy for you and Imma let you finish and your goats are finely dressed and all, but Nanny Goats in Panties has the most fabulously dressed up goats of all time.

I could go on. Maybe you have some of them. We could have a little contest. What would Kanye West say to Sondra Stinglash? You write a quote and leave it as a comment and I will pick my favorite and announce the winner on Callithump Thunderblog and make a blog award and everything. Except I won't make a blog award. I am lazy like that.

I really don't write about topical stuff much here on Callithump. I would like to but my very loose grasp on anything that is going on in the world makes it impossible. Basically, I get my news from my Facebook friends' status messages. And from tweets. If it's important enough, it will be tweeted. Of course, if it isn't important, it will also be tweeted.

So there's that.

-------------------------

I have a cold. And as typical for me, it rarely stops there. My colds tend to be compounded by other things. In my usual fashion, this cold is accompanied by a fantasy of a cheerful manservant who brings me tea and soup and fluffs my pillow and tells me jokes on demand.

Sondra Stinglash: Tell me a joke.

Manservant: What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a plumber?

Sondra Stinglash: I dunno. Tell me.

Manservant: A gynecologist is a physician specializing in the treatment of women, whereas a plumber is a skilled tradesman who specializes in pipes and drains and such.

Sondra Stinglash: That's not really a joke is it?

(I stole that unjoke from here. Unjokes are funny in that they aren't really funny. They sound like jokes, but they aren't jokes, but then again they are. See how that works?)

My cheerful manservant with the odd sense of humor is dressed up in a tuxedo. A tuxedo you say? Sure. Why not? It's my fantasy and when I fantasize I go all out, sparing no expense. I do things right. Not like your grade B fantasies.

Yo 'Lash. I'm happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the Cat Lady has the best fantasies of all time.

OK, so the Cat Lady didn't write a post about fantasies. Still, no matter what Edna, my annoying inner editor, says, I am keeping the link. The Cat Lady is worth visiting anyhow. She has all kinds of fun stuff over there.

-------------------------

And I won another award! I am terrible at claiming awards, but I am gonna try real hard and post an acceptance post on this one sometime real soon. That will require my digging deep into my psyche to reveal my obsessions. That shouldn't be too hard, actually. These are things I have. Obsessions. And a psyche.

Thank you Skye at Weekly Injection Of Chuckles for the awarding me the "Your Blog Is Fabulous" award!

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I got a new car and I love it and it is red. And it's mine. This means that the car shopping is over which means that the car shopping stories are over. But it doesn't mean that I didn't score my very own souvenir Larry the Frog wind up action figure. It doesn't mean that at all, because I did. Looky here at what it does.

video



Isn't it great? Just like Larry the Frog...

It does nothing!


Hey Larry the Frog! I'm happy for you and Imma gonna let you finish. But Kermit the Frog totally doesn't suck like you do.



Cue Video.








Kermy is awesome. Don't listen to those cantankerous old men.





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I Freakin' Love Scribbling!!!

The last time I declared myself a winner publicly I must have angered the gods because immediately, and I mean within the hour, they had themselves a good laugh by sending both widespread famine and a swarm of locusts to me and mine. So, I am a bit scared to share this bit of news. So, I will just whisper it real quiet like.

I got an award!

I am a Superior Scribbler!

Did you hear that? Frank Lee Meidere over at I Probably Don't Like You, ironically liked my title for my last post, which I have to say, means that he probably he likes me too. Or maybe not. Probably not, actually, if you can believe the title of his blog, which is a little ironic for an award giver, don't cha think? Anyhow, I was pretty proud of that title- If Boiling Water Spilled On a Used Car Salesman In the Forest, With No One Else Around, Would You Even Care? But I never imagined it was award worthy, except for the fact that as soon as I wrote it I started shopping for a gown for the award ceremony and I started to write my acceptance speech.



As it turns out I don't really need an acceptance speech as this is a pretty low maintenance kind of award. To receive it I don't have to tell any obsessions or secrets or anything. Alls I gotta do is follow the rules which are as follows-


  • Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
  • Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
  • Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.


Rules posted, now I get to pick my own recipients! Only 1125 bloggers have won this award so far! Now to add 5 more!

And here they are...in no particular order...superior scribblers, all.

The Bloggess because she is a visionary.

Summer at The Circus has Come to Town, the queen with the very stylish hair and the great stories.

Very Top Five because his writing is so damn smart it makes me jealous.

Madame DeFarge at Bateau de Banane, a true writer, with ink on her face to prove it.

Imnotbenny at I'm not Benny because his posts are totally made out of hilarious.


Enjoy your well deserved awards! And THANKS Frank!!!




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If Boiling Water Spilled On a Used Car Salesman In the Forest, With No One Else Around, Would You Even Care?


I have been lame about posting due to extenuating circumstances, but it seems to work for me because my subscriber number and follower number have increased in my absence. So, at the risk of jeopardizing my numbers I am going to actually offer up something to read. It's not much, I realize. But it IS something.


Here is a real exchange that happened in my kitchen the other day.

Person 1- Did you know that steam is hotter than boiling water?

Person 2- Yes.

Person 1- Look at me putting my hand on the steam.

Person 2- You should put your hand in the water to see if it is hotter.

Person 1- But it isn't really boiling yet.

Person 3- And it never will...now that I am watching it.

Person 2- If it was in a forest with no one around, it would boil, but would it make a sound?

Person 3- What if it was poured on a mime?


It is a laugh riot at the Sondra Stinglash household. Seriously. You should wish that you got to hang around us. It is a nonstop joke fest.

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And here is something else- an open letter to the Hoselpiss Dealership people. They are people who sell cars. At least they sell them in theory. They don't sell cars to me.

Dear Hoselpiss Dealership People,

You suck.

Sincerely,

Sondra Stinglash


I know dear reader. I missed the opportunity to write a really clever letter just now. But I used up all my cleverness in the title of this post which I happen to be quite proud of. In fact, I am enjoying reading and re-reading it aloud with glee and then yelling, "NO!" in response.

I did warn you that I was lame. Seriously. L A M E. All this post is is a transcript of a conversation that I was a part of that happened in my kitchen (Whichever person, 1, 2 or 3, that you think was funniest was me, by the way), a lame open letter to the Hoselpiss Dealership people and a picture of the particular used car salesman that I dealt with being boiled in a pot. That image was really easy to find, surprisingly.

And to show how lame I am, I made a sentence with is is up there, and I am going to keep it. My inner editor, who I call Edna, is not even going to do her regular thing.

Edna- What the hell is that? Is is? You can't keep that.

Sondra Stinglash- Yes I can.

Edna- How about this- All that this post consists of is a transcript...?

Sondra Stinglash- You know something Edna? No one likes a no it all.

Edna- You mean- know it all.

Sondra Stinglash- I mean fuck off Edna, is what I mean.

-------------------------

So, here is what happened at Hoselpiss.

I go there to drive a 2002 Toyota Corolla. They drive it up and it has a note on it that says HOOD LATCH. I also noticed that said hood was not latched.

I am re-naming used car salesman- Larry the Frog.

Edna- How about- I am re-naming THE used car salesman...?

Sondra Stinglash- Shut up, Edna. Let me tell the story.

------------------

Larry the Frog- The hood latch needs to be fixed on this car.

Sondra Stinglash- So, it might pop open while I am test driving it?

Larry the Frog- Nah. We won't go far. And we'll go slow.

Sondra Stinglash- (inside head) We? I have to get in this car with Larry the Frog?

So, the car which I drove not far and not fast was a train wreck. The brakes were shot. Metal on metal they were. And then, when accelerating after breaking, the same metal on metal grinding sound.

Sondra Stinglash- This car needs a lot of work.

Larry the Frog- I guess they haven't gotten to it yet.

Sondra Stinglash- Well, I have to say, with the way that it is driving I cannot not even consider buying this car.

Larry the Frog- As soon as they fix it, it is going to go real fast. It is a real beauty.

Sondra Stinglash- As soon as they fix it? That is kind of like asking me to appreciate the beautiful roses that are going to appear on a rose bush that is not yet in bloom.

Larry the Frog- But you know the rose bush is going to bloom and you know it is going to be beautiful. Don't you?

Yes, I used a poetic analogy with Larry the Frog. Yes, I over estimated his intelligence.

Sondra Stinglash- So you are asking me to use my imagination. I am supposed to imagine how great this car drives. The reason that I do a test drive is to see how a car drives in reality, not in order to imagine how it drives. If I wanted to imagine how great a car drives, I could look at the picture of it on my computer and imagine driving it from the comfort of my own home.

-------------------

I went home, found a picture of a car I liked. I set up my dining room chairs in rows of two in my living room and invited my son, Emily

Edna- Wait a second! Emily? That's a girl's name.

Sondra Stinglash- I have run out of boys names that start with an E.

Edna- OK. I still think you should change it though.

----------------

I went home, found a picture of a car I liked. I set up my dining room chairs in two rows of two in my living room and invited my son, Edna, to join me for a test drive. We drove fast and far and the car performed flawlessly. So, I bought it.

Turns out that used car shopping is pretty easy. I don't know why I was making it so difficult.








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