If Boiling Water Spilled On a Used Car Salesman In the Forest, With No One Else Around, Would You Even Care?
I have been lame about posting due to extenuating circumstances, but it seems to work for me because my subscriber number and follower number have increased in my absence. So, at the risk of jeopardizing my numbers I am going to actually offer up something to read. It's not much, I realize. But it IS something.
Here is a real exchange that happened in my kitchen the other day.
Person 1- Did you know that steam is hotter than boiling water?
Person 2- Yes.
Person 1- Look at me putting my hand on the steam.
Person 2- You should put your hand in the water to see if it is hotter.
Person 1- But it isn't really boiling yet.
Person 3- And it never will...now that I am watching it.
Person 2- If it was in a forest with no one around, it would boil, but would it make a sound?
Person 3- What if it was poured on a mime?
It is a laugh riot at the Sondra Stinglash household. Seriously. You should wish that you got to hang around us. It is a nonstop joke fest.
And here is something else- an open letter to the Hoselpiss Dealership people. They are people who sell cars. At least they sell them in theory. They don't sell cars to me.
Dear Hoselpiss Dealership People,
I know dear reader. I missed the opportunity to write a really clever letter just now. But I used up all my cleverness in the title of this post which I happen to be quite proud of. In fact, I am enjoying reading and re-reading it aloud with glee and then yelling, "NO!" in response.
I did warn you that I was lame. Seriously. L A M E. All this post is is a transcript of a conversation that I was a part of that happened in my kitchen (Whichever person, 1, 2 or 3, that you think was funniest was me, by the way), a lame open letter to the Hoselpiss Dealership people and a picture of the particular used car salesman that I dealt with being boiled in a pot. That image was really easy to find, surprisingly.
And to show how lame I am, I made a sentence with is is up there, and I am going to keep it. My inner editor, who I call Edna, is not even going to do her regular thing.
Edna- What the hell is that? Is is? You can't keep that.
Sondra Stinglash- Yes I can.
Edna- How about this- All that this post consists of is a transcript...?
Sondra Stinglash- You know something Edna? No one likes a no it all.
Edna- You mean- know it all.
Sondra Stinglash- I mean fuck off Edna, is what I mean.
So, here is what happened at Hoselpiss.
I go there to drive a 2002 Toyota Corolla. They drive it up and it has a note on it that says HOOD LATCH. I also noticed that said hood was not latched.
I am re-naming used car salesman- Larry the Frog.
Edna- How about- I am re-naming THE used car salesman...?
Sondra Stinglash- Shut up, Edna. Let me tell the story.
Larry the Frog- The hood latch needs to be fixed on this car.
Sondra Stinglash- So, it might pop open while I am test driving it?
Larry the Frog- Nah. We won't go far. And we'll go slow.
Sondra Stinglash- (inside head) We? I have to get in this car with Larry the Frog?
So, the car which I drove not far and not fast was a train wreck. The brakes were shot. Metal on metal they were. And then, when accelerating after breaking, the same metal on metal grinding sound.
Sondra Stinglash- This car needs a lot of work.
Larry the Frog- I guess they haven't gotten to it yet.
Sondra Stinglash- Well, I have to say, with the way that it is driving I cannot not even consider buying this car.
Larry the Frog- As soon as they fix it, it is going to go real fast. It is a real beauty.
Sondra Stinglash- As soon as they fix it? That is kind of like asking me to appreciate the beautiful roses that are going to appear on a rose bush that is not yet in bloom.
Larry the Frog- But you know the rose bush is going to bloom and you know it is going to be beautiful. Don't you?
Yes, I used a poetic analogy with Larry the Frog. Yes, I over estimated his intelligence.
Sondra Stinglash- So you are asking me to use my imagination. I am supposed to imagine how great this car drives. The reason that I do a test drive is to see how a car drives in reality, not in order to imagine how it drives. If I wanted to imagine how great a car drives, I could look at the picture of it on my computer and imagine driving it from the comfort of my own home.
I went home, found a picture of a car I liked. I set up my dining room chairs in rows of two in my living room and invited my son, Emily
Edna- Wait a second! Emily? That's a girl's name.
Sondra Stinglash- I have run out of boys names that start with an E.
Edna- OK. I still think you should change it though.
I went home, found a picture of a car I liked. I set up my dining room chairs in two rows of two in my living room and invited my son, Edna, to join me for a test drive. We drove fast and far and the car performed flawlessly. So, I bought it.
Turns out that used car shopping is pretty easy. I don't know why I was making it so difficult.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it. Why would you even want to act like this happened to you?