The Halloween season is upon us again. And with this holiday comes another annual event- the reprinting of the Message From the Sunshine Day School. Since writing this piece I have done an internet search for 'Sunshine Day School' and have discovered that there are more than a few schools with this name. The Sunshine Day School in this post, however, is fictional, which means that as much as you would like to, you will not be able to enroll your child. And believe me, you are going to want to. Enjoy.
1. No candy or soda is allowed at school.
2. Whole grains are preferred over white flour products.
3. Be mindful of the allergies of your child's classmates- no peanut butter, tree nuts, egg products, or shell fish products here at school please.
4. No sugary snacks. Although there are many sugar substitutes to choose from, including maple syrup, honey and stevia, we discourage their use at school, because they set the stage for developing a preference for sweetened food rather than fostering a love of natural unadulterated flavor. We encourage you to think as we do and consider these substances for what they really are: gateway sweeteners. Their use puts your child at a significantly higher risk for future experimentation with chemical sweeteners such as Aspertame and Splenda as well as abuse of illicit sweeteners including the mainlining of high fructose corn syrup.
5. Unless your child is of bovine decent, we will allow no cow milk products at school. We encourage you to instead provide yogurt and cheese lovingly made from your own breast milk.
6. All fruits and vegetable waste will be composted. Seeds will be saved and planted in school garden. Ingested seeds, such as those from strawberries, will be excreted via bowel movement, as mother nature intended, into an appropriate spot in our garden. Parents need to be aware that if the child's bowel movement occurs after school hours, it is their responsibility to consult garden map to determine exact drop location.
7. We encourage our families to provide local sustainably grown food for their child's snacks or lunches. Better yet, consider growing or gathering your own food. We understand that this is easier to do during the warmer months but would like to point out that when gathering proves impractical, hunting provides a viable option. Squirrels and plump birds that stick around because they are dependent on the bird seed we provide for them are plentiful during the winter months. We also encourage you to take advantage of the veritable smorgasbord of road kill available almost all year round. Small animals that your child has tortured and killed are also acceptable. If your child chooses to bring in the ever popular "Rodent on a Stick" for snack, make sure that the stick is either reusable or made from an easily renewable resource such as bamboo or a piece of whole wheat spaghetti.
Have a very happy Halloween. We so appreciate your cooperation and as always it is an honor to educate your child.
The Sunshine Day School
The Sunshine Day School
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.