How To Be a Bad Ass
The following is a transcript of a Facebook Chat.
Mom: I was chatting with a friend and she said that I was the least threatening person she knows.
Son: I am not threatening either.
Mom: I want to be more threatening.
Son: Me too.
Mom: She said that even when I swear I am not threatening, in fact she said that when I called Whats-his-name a F#$@Face, she laughed.
Son: That is funny.
Mom: No it isn't! I don't want to be funny. I want to be a bad ass.
Son: Me too.
Mom: We should take a martial arts class or get a gun or something.
Son: Good idea
Mom: I am going to think of the most shocking thing I can. We should kill a kitten. No. Forget I said that. I take that back. We shouldn't do that. That's terrible. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I...
Son: I know what we should do. We should PET a kitten.
Mom: YES! That is exactly what we should do. We should PET a kitten.
Son: The wrong way!
Mom: The wrong way! Yes! That really is bad. We should totally do that! We will pet a kitten from tail to head! That is just what we shall do.
Note- No kittens were harmed in the writing of this post. No kittens will be petted in the wrong direction either. You know me better than that.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.
Mom: I was chatting with a friend and she said that I was the least threatening person she knows.
Son: I am not threatening either.
Mom: I want to be more threatening.
Son: Me too.
Mom: She said that even when I swear I am not threatening, in fact she said that when I called Whats-his-name a F#$@Face, she laughed.
Son: That is funny.
Mom: No it isn't! I don't want to be funny. I want to be a bad ass.
Son: Me too.
Mom: We should take a martial arts class or get a gun or something.
Son: Good idea
Mom: I am going to think of the most shocking thing I can. We should kill a kitten. No. Forget I said that. I take that back. We shouldn't do that. That's terrible. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I...
Son: I know what we should do. We should PET a kitten.
Mom: YES! That is exactly what we should do. We should PET a kitten.
Son: The wrong way!
Mom: The wrong way! Yes! That really is bad. We should totally do that! We will pet a kitten from tail to head! That is just what we shall do.
Note- No kittens were harmed in the writing of this post. No kittens will be petted in the wrong direction either. You know me better than that.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.
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Posts
Petting a kitten the wrong way makes you a super bad ass.
KC,
Really? I am going to do it straightaway then! Soon, anyway. Maybe.
Sincerely,
Sondra Stinglash
I did this once. My arm is just now starting to heal properly.
Dear Miss Stinglash,
You are truly a bad ass because you are living in sin and obviously had a child out of wedlock. (At least I assume you're living in sin, since the poll asking if you should marry was not definitive.) And especially since you raised your progeny to pet kittens the wrong way. How outrageous and truly bad ass.
You should be ashamed... and proud.
Sincerely,
Catless Catlady
C.B Jones- Thanks for the warning!
CatLady- I WISH I were living in sin.
A couple of months ago (before he abandoned me for the college dorm) my son berated me for allowing "Squeaky" into his room while I was trying to talk to Zak. You see, I had left his bedroom door open.
"Get him out!"
"I can't."
"He's not allowed in here today. Kick him."
"I can't. I don't believe in kicking cats."
"I didn't mean kick, you know, sort of push with your foot."
As you can see from this conversation, I obviously am not a bad ass. For a moment you might have thought that Zak was a bad ass, but unfortunately he revealed his true Dace pusillanimous-ness. The Stinglash family wins the prize.
Hal- I have done the push the cat with your foot thing. It definitely isn't the same as a kick. It is more like giving the cat clear directions about where to go than an act of aggression.
You can perform that maneuver without any fear of being considered a bad ass.
-Nano
I certainly am not going to mess with a family that pets a kitten in the wrong direction. You may muss my hair if you got too close.
You're so bad ass I gave you a prize. See if you can find it!
(Hint: It's not in your guest room.)
ooohhh...that is dangerous. petting a kitty the wrong way.
Ettarose- You are a very wise woman.
Cat Lady- Wow! Another prize? I am sorry I have been remiss in side-baring them- I will do it this weekend. Thanks again! That is really sweet.
Opt. Pess- Damn Straight.