Callithump Thunderblog

10. You get to experience that slow motion thing where time is all drawn out and you can see the other car coming towards you and you know you can't do anything about it even though it feels like you have all kinds of time, but you somehow know that you don't because you are aware that time is not behaving like it is supposed to and you are thinking, "Is this really happening? Is this car really going to hit me? Yes. This car is going to hit me. It really is." And then it does and the impact is really hard and your car spins around and there is this big crash sound that accompanies it, but it all feels so slow and almost surreal. And you think to yourself that you know that you were just in an accident and that sucks but at the same time it was kinda trippy.

9. You are pleasantly surprised that no less than six drivers stop to ask if you are OK and if they can call the police and your faith in humanity which was destroyed about a month ago floods back and you think, "People are kind." And the lady who hit you because she didn't see you sitting at that light being all law abiding, which is your default way of being despite your desire to be seen as a bad ass, the one who drove straight into you because the sun was in her eyes, why even she is a nice lady. And you realize that most people are nice and care about one another and want to help and you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

8. You get to see a bunch of handsome men in uniform, especially because the fire department shows up because the nice lady's car is spilling all sorts of brightly colored fluids onto the street. And there are police officers there as well as paramedics. All in all a feast for the eyes for the type of women who likes a man in uniform. And which I am one of these types of women, at least for some kinds of uniforms: firefighters and police officers, yes; marching band uniforms and boy scout uniforms, not so much. The only thing that would have made the uniformed man aspect of my accident better would have been if a few UPS drivers would have shown up. All those nice people wanting to help and no one thought of calling UPS.




7. You get to go into the rig, and by rig I mean ambulance. Rig is what the paramedic called it as in, "Come on back to the rig and I will take your vitals." The rig? I get to go into the rig! I felt like an excited three year old. I get to go into the rig! And in the rig I got my vitals taken. Twice. Turns out that my "vitals" are my blood pressure. That was it. I got my blood pressure taken. Twice. And it turns out that I am one calm person. Guess that all that meditation is paying off. Last time I got into an accident, which again wasn't my fault, and again I was waiting at a red light being all law abiding as usual and someone rear-ended me, I was all freaked out. But, this time I wasn't all shaky with that feeling that all the blood had dropped down to my feet and that my head was all swimmy and I was all feeling sorry for myself. This time I was all pulled together and I got to say things like, "I believe I have a contusion on the medial side of my right knee at the proximal end of the fibula here." And, "I am having some pain upon rotation at the levels of C5 and C6 which I believe is muscular in origin." This is because I graduated from massage school a few months ago and then studied my ass off for the New York State massage boards which I am waiting to hear back if I passed and if I don't pass I will be really upset because I studied and I know lots of shit. Lots of it. Which leads me to the following dream-

I dreamt that I took the massage boards and there was a lot of algebra in the exam. But the algebra was way easy, or so I thought, so I wasn't worried. I took my test up to be graded because in my dream the grading happened right away in front of your eyes, not taking eight weeks like in real life and happening in Albany, and the grader took a giant red pen and started marking everything wrong with big dramatic actions and a look of disgust on his face. "Wrong!" he cried. "Wrong again!" And then, shaking his head, he put the test down and said, "I cannot even finish grading this exam." And I thought, "That just isn't fair. Why did they have to put so much algebra in it?"

6. You get to refer to your car as "she," as in "Do you think she is drivable?" and "Where will she be towed, officer?" I like to use old fashioned words and expressions and I have always liked the notion of referring to machines as gendered. And cars are shes. This is because they they are like great big wombs. They carry people and then birth them at their destinations. My computer, while not a vessel for carrying, is a she as well, because she is cute and diminutive, but at the same time powerful. For a time I referred to her as my girlfriend. That was back in the infatuation phase. Now that she has been around for awhile and that stage has passed, not that we are in the conflict stage or anything, I refer to her as "my computer."


There are 5 more best things about being in an automobile accident which is not your fault and I will post them soon. So stay tuned. And drive carefully.








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