And Now, Without Further Ado, And With a Bunch Of Hard Math...

The poll is closed, ballots counted and recounted, hanging chads and all, contested, counted again and then recounted and the winner is...

You know who the winner is. After all, you have been following this race, obsessively compulsively checking and rechecking on the quarter hour.... Oh wait. That's me that's been doing that. I get us confused.

Here is what you have been waiting an excruciatingly long week for! The results of the "Should Sondra Stinglash be Married?" poll! The envelope, please....

  • 44% of readers are ready to Marry Sondra Stinglash off to the first biped that ambles along. Seriously, see that guy over there? Yeah him. He'll due.
  • 44% of readers wouldn't be able to bear it if Sondra Stinglash were unavailable. Their lives would lose all meaning and they would stop leaving the house.
  • 66% of readers would like some rigatoni for dinner please, and hurry it up damnit.

Interesting results don't you agree? Interesting, but not easy to understand. Therefore, what follows is my mathematical analysis of the poll-

Adding the percentages together, we see that 144% of my readers voted in the poll. 18 people voted so that means that 18 = 144%. So, 36 steps later, using high level math that I won't show here because it is over your head, (see picture) we get this equation:

1800 = 144x

For those of you that are lost, let me explain- We use x to denote an unknown number that we are solving for. Good? OK. Let's go on.

To solve for x we must perform the same operation on each side of the equation. For instance, if you performed an appendectomy on the 1800, you must also perform one on the 144x. This is very logical because if you took the appendix out on one side of the equation and not on the other side they wouldn't be equal anymore.

Not that there is anything wrong with people who are lacking an appendix. They are fine people, but they are mathematically different and must be represented as follows:

person without an appendix < person with an intact appendix

OK. I won't bore you with the specific computations, but 22 steps later we get x= 12.5. We will have to subtract 2, however, because I voted twice. So now we are left with 10.5.

Then, dividing by 7, which is how many days the poll lasted, we get 1.5.

And there you have it.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

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