World Peace Tea, Black Flax Slacks, Fortune Cookies In Bed and Enhanced Book Titles

So I went out with a friend of mine and we got tea and they had a tea called "World Peace Tea" which we didn't get because we wanted another kind of tea but we were both wracked with guilt because what if it really works and we didn't order it? We got regular kinds of tea like peppermint and chai though, not sinister tea with a name such as "Immediate World Destruction, But Fuck It Because This Tea Tastes Wicked Good," so it isn't like we are 100% terrible people. Just kind of bad people, I guess. We could try harder, is all I am saying.

Tea with positive messages reminds me of the clothing I used to buy with the affirmations in the tags. I don't buy that stuff anymore because I got tired of looking like a hippy clown in my baggy black flax slacks and one size fits all (and I mean it fits ALL as in everyone at once) shirts. They were super comfy and super unflattering but they made up for it by having tags that said nice things like, "Love yourself," and "These pants don't at all make me look fat." Uplifting messages like that. I used to add the words "in bed" to the messages for fun.

Well, not really, but it is an amusing thing to do with fortune cookies...and it works very well, especially when your fortune is something like this...

You will sleep soundly tonight.

That game reminds me of when I was in college and worked in the library. We had to read the call numbers of books on the shelves to make sure the entire library was in order. It was a really important job and it might sound as if it were boatloads o' fun, but it was really pretty much shit loads of tedium. To make our job more interesting, we played this game where you had to insert random words into the titles of books on the shelves. The words we picked were "GODDAMN, BALD, and GAY." This, as you are beginning to pick up on, was not a very mature game, but we weren't very mature people.

The enhanced titles included The Goddamn Grapes of Wrath, Gay Beowolf and A Portrait of the Artist as a Bald Young Man. This was very funny to us. It isn't funny now because you and I are mature. But it was a laugh riot then. To prove my point, I will now pick random books off my shelf and play the same game and you will see how un-funny it is.

What's the Goddamn Matter With Kansas?

The Gay I-Ching

Pride and Prejudice and Bald Zombies

See? Not funny.

Then why are you laughing? Stop laughing.

Oh sorry...that was me.

My bad.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

20 Response to "World Peace Tea, Black Flax Slacks, Fortune Cookies In Bed and Enhanced Book Titles"

  • Anonymous Says:

    That is not the least bit funny.

  • Says:

    You mean like Goddamn Callithump Bald Thunderblog Gay Tea? Would that be a good name for a soothing beverage?

  • linlah Says:

    Saving the bald world one cup of goddamn World Peace Tea at a time.

  • Makita Jazzqueen Says:

    Your post was so un-funny, I can't understand why I'm am laughing... LoL

    Cool blog, check out mine.

  • Indigo Roth Says:

    Hey Nanodance, I'm not sure if Starbucks ever tried the affirmative messages in their coffee names, but I do remember getting confused with their descriptions. The "bold and engaging one with a hint of lemon", the "dark, brooding one with nutty overtones" and many MANY others taste like coffee to me. Perhaps my goddamn palate is unsophisticated. Excuse me, perhaps my goddamn palate is gay, bald and unsophisticated. Indigo

  • Jewel Says:

    I remember those black flax slacks. You worked those slacks!

    My ex-boyfriend-of-daughter, who shall remain nameless (the ex-boyfriend, not the daughter) had a name that reminded me of a favorite children's book. Its title was "_____ the Great" and it rhymed, but I'm not filling in the blank. I gave this book to him for his 21st birthday, because they were dating and happy then, and I thought he was cute and didn't realize he was a loser.

    Anyhoo, I handed him the book and explained that it was a favorite, and I was giving it to him because he'd never read it or had it read to him as a little boy, AND because it was the same name, AND it featured cool stuff like detective work, and pancakes, and a big mean-looking dog named Fang.

    I told him I had read it to my kids as a bedtime story, and that my daughter could read it to him.

    Of course I was setting myself up here, but...he wouldn't DARE because we didn't know each other that well yet.

    He dared. He said, "Like this?" and proceeded to play JUST THAT GAME you described by reading the story out-loud himself, and adding the "in bed" thing at the end of each sentence. Right in front of my daughter, my husband, and me!

    Inappropriate! I began to suspect that he might be a loser...

  • Skye Says:

    Gay Paradise Lost, Around The World in 80 Goddammed Days, White Fang yep, I can see why this could be quite amusing :D

  • Marie Says:

    I'm laughing and not afraid to admit it. Every once in a while it's good to be immature.

  • Very Top Five Says:

    The Adventures of Bald Huckleberry Finn, the Gay Lord of The Rings, The Goddamn Confessions of a Justified Sinner.

    I've never worked in a library, but did once work in MacDonalds, which is probably similarly dull. Once we got an order through the drivethrough print out for "One Happy Nugget" and we all fell about laughing, even though it wasn't all that funny.

  • NJ Pigno Says:

    Anonymous- I know. I'm sorry.

    CatLady- I think I would order the World Peace Tea instead, if given a choice.

    linlah- hee-hee. That made me laugh.

    Makita- I know. I feel the same way. Thanks- I will head over soon.

    Indigo- Don't get me started on Starbucks! BTW, you should see a doctor about your bald palate.

    Jewel- Lack of boundaries- a red flag for sure. But I bet the book was funny with the "in bed" enhancement.

    Skye- For some reason it was especially funny to play this game with mathematics dissertations.

    VT5- I dunno. I think One Happy Nugget IS all that funny! Made me giggle anyway.

  • Boris G Says:

    "I" said this was not the least bit funny. But now that the font has been changed I definitely cracked a grin.

  • NJ Pigno Says:

    Dear Boris,

    Everything is funnier in a different font.


    Sondra Stinglash

  • Madame DeFarge Says:

    How could you work in a library and not be mature? I thought librarians were genetically engineered to be serious and high minded. I am crushed with disappointment now.

  • tera Says:

    I used to have those same pants in about 4 colors! Yah, they are kinda clown-like, but they are so comfy! I must say I have graduated to big-girl clothes...:)
    Cute post. It made me giggle!

  • NJ Pigno Says:

    Madame DeFarge- Precisely why I didn't stay in the field.

    Tera- I really do like those pants. They are so comfy! But they really don't look so good on me. I like 'em on other people though.

  • Steam Me Up, Kid Says:

    Nope. It's funny. And I'm quite mature and fancy, so that's weird.

    My family used to play our own car game on long road trips called "Dead, Gay, or Jewish". Is that racist? If it is, we didn't realize it. How it works is someone names a famous person, and the others have to figure out which of the 3 they are. Sometimes the person is 2 of the 3! Bonus!!

    What the hell does this have to do with anything. For God's sake, I need to shut up sometimes.

  • Girl Tornado Says:

    Call me immature. I can't stop laughing. Sounds like a fun game to play at work next time I'm bored. Oh, that'll probably be tomorrow....

  • NJ Pigno Says:

    Steamy- That game explains a lot actually. And I am totally going to play it next time we are on a trip.

    Oz Girl- Have fun with it!

  • Boris G. Says:

    Hey Steamy... Allen Ginsberg!

  • Nikki Thornton Says:

    Peace is a gift,
    It is a gift we give to ourselves,
    And then to each other.

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