A Call To Undorkify the Bicycle Helmet

My teenaged son, Ewin, is about to go out for the night on his bike. No lights, no safety vest, reflectors or helmet even. This makes me more than a little nervous. But, the sad truth of it is, I really have very little influence over him. Everything is progressing according to the rules of mother/teenaged son relationship convention.

This is the way the mother/teenage son relationship convention works- I worry about possible brain injury resulting in Ewin's being in a semi-vegetative state in which all he can do is drool and blink his eyes once for no and two times for yes. And Ewin, on the other hand, worries about looking dorky.  Hence, no safety measures whatsoever.

And that is why there is a great deal of money to be made in marketing bicycle helmets that look cool and dangerous, or in the case of this example from the Flight of the Concords, like what you might expect to find on a human head in the first place- hair.







This is a great solution.  It protects your head and looks cool too.




There must be something commercially available.  Some company must have thought of a cool bike helmet design.  Google imaging "cool bike helmet" yielded an attempt by a good hearted and forward thinking company that really cares about the safety of our youth. Take a look at helmet toppers pictured below.













Good intentions.  Very well meaning.  E for Effort guys.  But, these helmets are not cool.  They are cute. Cool and cute are not the same.  These helmets are for little kids.   And little kids, because they are little, can be made to wear the regular kind of helmet.  They don't need to be humiliated by having a stuffed mouse strapped to their head.  In fact, although this headgear might provide protection from a fall onto concrete, it increases the dork-factor of the wearer, providing the perfect rallying cry for neighborhood bullies to unite and beat the living piss out of the poor kid who has the misfortune to be wearing it.

It isn't little kids that I worry about.  If made to wear a regular dorky helmet, they wear it; it prevents injury and isn't in-your-face dorky enough to guarantee bully action.  It is the teenagers that have me concerned.  In an age where even the sweetest baby faced young adults have metal rods sticking through their faces, something more edgy is needed.  Something like the one pictured below, except not as tame.  Picture way more spikes and longer spikes and sharper spikes.  Wearing a helmet like this would scream "Don't mess with me mofo, for I am a bad-ass, helmet wearing, scary bicycle dude of the most undorky variety.  And if you aren't sure about that, why don't you come over here so I can drive my helmet into your baby-maker? Jerk."









Remember- more spikes, longer spikes, sharper spikes.



Or better yet, this:








This would scare the crap out of anyone.


And protect the head nicely.





I have a little extra time, what with summer vacation and all.  I think that I will get out the glue gun and un-dorkify a helmet for Ewin.  Send me your ideas.  I think I am feeling a fit of "crafty" coming on.










Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

4 Response to "A Call To Undorkify the Bicycle Helmet"

  • Larew Says:

    The gas mask effect is definitely awesome... you could even add a beverage tube for cycling refreshment. (My mind always goes to the same place.) I think the picture of the cute kid helmets might be worked on....

    Imagine an actual piece of road kill strapped to the helmet... now that would increase the cool factor exponentially. And scare the bejesus out of detractors, particularly if it were positioned so that excess blood and entrails were tastefully positioned over one eye. The mofos would think twice about messin' with that.

    Sincerely,
    Cat Lady


  • Nanodance Says:

    I like the direction you are going, Cat Lady. There is this guy I run into from time to time who has a vest with parts of dead animals hanging from it- a skull, a foot, etc... It is rather intimidating.

    Now to find some road kill.


  • Chris@Maugeritaville Says:

    You could go all "Top Gun" and even stencil a cool "call sign" across the front. Something like "DEATH MERCHANT" or "REAPER".

    Or just paint a pair of boobs on it.


  • Nanodance Says:

    The boob idea might just work. Although, he might not want to wear the helmet because then he wouldn't be able to see the boobs.


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