My son, Emmit, and I wrote this post together. You know what they say, "A family that writes blog posts together, writes blog posts and they write them together, the posts that is, that they write and then they publish them on a blog, together." Of course, they also say, "A family that writes blog posts together is destined for complete financial ruin."
So my son, Emmit, has formed a hypothesis. His hypothesis states that there is a direct relationship between the lack of spork usage and evil. Emmit- this is an intriguing hypothosis, (Read intriguing as "bat-shit insane.") I invite you to explain.
Humanity's unwillingness to adopt sporks as the alpha-eating implement is irrational. What other instrument makes it possible to impale savory chunks of chicken while slurping spoonfuls of residual poultry fluid?
Wait a minute, Emmit. Residual poultry fluid? Take my advice, Young Grasshopper; it might be best to take a simpler approach. Like, how about just saying chicken broth?
OK. Humanity's unwillingness to adopt sporks as the alpha-eating implement is irrational. What other instrument makes it possible to collect spoonfuls of chicken broth while simultaneously engaging in quadruple-pronged combat with my mother's outstretched hand as she reaches for the salt?
See how much better it reads with chicken broth? Much better.
With a spork, the strawberries in your Cheerios are no longer ornamental obstacles; they become a gustatory reality.
Makes sense. But what does this have to do with evil?
Sporks are perfect. An instrument so flawless in its design could not have been conceived by man. Clearly the invention stemmed from a divine vision. Humankind's unwillingness to accept sporks as prime-utensil is irrational. It can only be concluded that a omnipotent malevolent force is purposely discouraging the use of sporks. His motivation? Pure evil.
So, let me get this straight. You are saying that sporks are a divine gift, from God Himself, and the reason we don't use them very much is because of...the Devil?
My time here is done.
Emmit! What have I told you about chewing on the legs of the chairs?
P.S. Do you know what the tines of the spork represent? The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost and the Spork.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because we wrote it, damn it.