A Most Intelligent Design

My son, Emmit, and I wrote this post together.  You know what they say, "A family that writes blog posts together, writes blog posts and they write them together, the posts that is, that they write and then they publish them on a blog, together."  Of course, they also say, "A family that writes blog posts together is destined for complete financial ruin."

So my son, Emmit, has formed a hypothesis.  His hypothesis states that there is a direct relationship between the lack of spork usage and evil. Emmit- this is an intriguing hypothosis, (Read intriguing as "bat-shit insane.")  I invite you to explain.

Humanity's unwillingness to adopt sporks as the alpha-eating implement is irrational. What other instrument makes it possible to impale savory chunks of chicken while slurping spoonfuls of residual poultry fluid?

Wait a minute, Emmit.  Residual poultry fluid?  Take my advice, Young Grasshopper; it might be best to take a simpler approach.  Like, how about just saying chicken broth?  

OK. Humanity's unwillingness to adopt sporks as the alpha-eating implement is irrational. What other instrument makes it possible to collect spoonfuls of chicken broth while simultaneously engaging in quadruple-pronged combat with my mother's outstretched hand as she reaches for the salt?

See how much better it reads with chicken broth?  Much better.

With a spork, the strawberries in your Cheerios are no longer ornamental obstacles; they become a gustatory reality.  

Makes sense.  But what does this have to do with evil?

Sporks are perfect.  An instrument so flawless in its design could not have been conceived by man.  Clearly the invention stemmed from a divine vision.  Humankind's unwillingness to accept sporks as prime-utensil is irrational. It can only be concluded that a omnipotent malevolent force is purposely discouraging the use of sporks. His motivation? Pure evil.

So, let me get this straight.  You are saying that sporks are a divine gift, from God Himself, and the reason we don't use them very much is because of...the Devil?

My time here is done.

Emmit!  What have I told you about chewing on the legs of the chairs?

P.S.  Do you know what the tines of the spork represent?  The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost and the Spork.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because we wrote it, damn it.

10 Response to "A Most Intelligent Design"

  • Larew Says:

    Can't you and Emmit stop arguing for ONE MINUTE and just celebrate sporks with solidarity of spirit! I MEAN IT! Otherwise, you'll find yourselves duking it out with sporks at dawn.

    Now, get back to your residual poultry fluid & noodles before they fall off the freakin' spork!

    Cat Lady

    P.S. If you have a three-tined fork, does it become Father, Son and Holy Spork?

  • Nanodance Says:

    I will have to consult with Emmit, the resident spork authority, but yes, I think so to your PS.

    I threw out all the silverware- it is sporks from now on. How is that for solidarity?

  • Adam Frank Says:

    Are there really 4 tines on a spork.
    Actually I just saying the word "spork". That may be its most divine promise.

  • Nanodance Says:


    Spork is fun to say, no? It almost sounds like a swear.


    Sondra Stinglash

  • Gwen Says:

    I don't use sporks because their identity crisis irritates me.

    Did you like the pickles?

  • Nanodance Says:


    Kinda like Brunch, huh?

    Haven't made the pickles yet, but I have been making the tea! Emmit and I love it!


    Sondra Stinglash

  • swmand4 Says:

    Sporks are also cheaper and tend to made of plastic, which might explain their lack of prevalence. People don't want to appear cheap - though a "fine dinning" spork might change that.


  • Nanodance Says:


    Fine dining spork! That's good!


  • julochka Says:

    the problem with sporks is that they're plastic. and plastic is evil. when they make normal, metal sporks, i'm onboard this new spork religion...

  • Nanodance Says:

    Dear Julochka,

    Please note that in the future, the finest in metal sporks will be available for purchase through Callithump Thunderblog. The sporks will be so hip that people will fall all over themselves clamoring to get an invite to your house for dinner.


    Sondra Stinglash

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