A Message From The Sunshine Day School
Dear Families,
1. No candy or soda is allowed at school.
2. Whole grains are preferred over white flour products.
3. Be mindful of the allergies of your child's classmates- no peanut butter, tree nuts, egg products, or shell fish products here at school please.
4. No sugary snacks. Although there are many sugar substitutes to choose from, including maple syrup, honey and stevia, we discourage their use at school, because they set the stage for developing a preference for sweetened food rather than fostering a love of natural unadulterated flavor. We encourage you to think as we do and consider these substances for what they really are: gateway sweeteners. Their use puts your child at a significantly higher risk for future experimentation with chemical sweeteners such as Aspertame and Splenda as well as abuse of illicit sweeteners including the mainlining of high fructose corn syrup.
5. Unless your child is of bovine decent, we will allow no cow milk products at school. We encourage you to instead provide yogurt and cheese lovingly made from your own breast milk.
6. All fruits and vegetable waste will be composted. Seeds will be saved and planted in school garden. Ingested seeds, such as those from strawberries, will be excreted via bowel movement, as mother nature intended, into an appropriate spot in our garden. Parents need to be aware that if the child's bowel movement occurs after school hours, it is their responsibility to consult garden map to determine exact drop location.
7. We encourage our families to provide local sustainably grown food for their child's snacks or lunches. Better yet, consider growing or gathering your own food. We understand that this is easier to do during the warmer months but would like to point out that when gathering proves impractical, hunting provides a viable option. Squirrels and plump birds that stick around because they are dependent on the bird seed we provide for them are plentiful during the winter months. We also encourage you to take advantage of the veritable smorgasbord of road kill available almost all year round. Small animals that your child has tortured and killed are also acceptable. If your child chooses to bring in the ever popular "Rodent on a Stick" for snack, make sure that the stick is either reusable or made from an easily renewable resource such as bamboo or a piece of whole wheat spaghetti.
Have a very happy Halloween. We so appreciate your cooperation and as always it is an honor to educate your child.
Sincerely,
The Sunshine Day School
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Posts
Dear Sunshine Day School,
I was recently made aware of your fabulous new program, offering culinary tips for youngsters. Please enroll me in your program. I currently have two squirrels, one deer, (which by the way, caused me to lose one headlight... I've found a flashlight duct tapped to the hood makes a good alternative,) three skunks and one ex-husband in my new Kenmore freezer in the basement. I am anxiously awaiting your recommendations for how to prepare said delicacies for a soiree I am hosting next weekend. Your prompt reply would be vastly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Headmistress
Dear Headmistress,
You will be happy to learn that The Sunshine Day School will be publishing a cookbook as a fundraiser for the holiday season. It will include numerous, delicious and creative ways to prepare squirrel, deer and, of course, ex-husband.
Would you like to pre-order a copy for $25.00?
Sincerely,
The Sunshine Day School
Oh my. The breast milk thing may be a bit difficult in our case. Suggestions?
Parent for Adoptive Rights
Dear Sunshine Day School,
I'm delighted to hear of the upcoming cookbook. Please put me down for 25 copies. (I want to start my holiday shopping early.) I'm enclosing my ex-husband's American Express Card number. Please charge it to his account.
Sincerely,
Headmistress
Dear Headmistress,
I am curious to know the cubic square footage of your Kenmore freezer...is there room for another ex-husband? He is slight of build and rather spineless. I imagine he could be bundled up nicely without taking up too much room. Please let me know if we should invest in a larger, more accommodating model, as I am looking for a secure place to store him. Although his credit cards ( as those of many others) have been maxed out, I am sure that I could gather the funds for expansion, via my new goldfish popsicles. (they are all the rage)
Thank-you for your prompt response. Time is of the essence.
Desperately Seeking Storage
P.S.
I am currently working on several tasty new recipes for the cookbook. Do you think it will be ready in time for the holiday season? Family members are already signing up for their own personal copies.
Dear Lynn,
In regard to the lawsuit filed by the Parents for Adoptive Rights organization, we issue a public apology. Yogurt and cheese can be made lovingly from one's own breast milk or from the milk of any of the mothers in our newly formed break milk coop.
Again, apologies for the oversight.
Sincerely,
The Sunshine Day School
Dear Anonymous,
My Kenmore has a whopping 7.5 cubic feet of space. There MIGHT be room for one more, but it will be a tight freeze squeeze. You see, we also use this space for digits taken from recalcitrant students.... by the way, these make tasty frozen treats on a stick with the phalanges making natural holders if fat is trimmed back sufficiently. That said, I recommend you look in this Sunday's circular for the 25% off coupon from Sears. You may find that it's more convenient to have your own freezer, as you may find you need room for other culinary delights.
Sincerely,
Headmistress