Sondra Stinglash's Guide to Kindergarteners

Fact #1- Kindergarteners are very curious about people:

Kindergartener- "Who your husband is?"

Ms Stinglash- "Pardon me? I didn't quite understand the question. Can you ask me again?"

Kindergartener- "Who your husband is?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Who is my husband?"

Kindergartener (smiling)- "Yes"

Ms. Stinglash- "I don't have a husband."

Kindergartener (frowning)- "Why not?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Well..."

Kindergartener- "You are still a kid?"

Ms. Stinglash- "Yes. I am still a kid. I am way too young to get married."

Fact #2- Kindergarteners are not really very good with numbers.

Kindergartener- "Ms. Stinglash! How old are you?"

Ms. Stinglash- "How old do you think I am?"

Kindergartener- "Eleven."

Ms. Stinglash- "How old are you?"

Kindergartener- "SIXTEEN!"

Ms. Stinglash- "That makes you older than me."

Kindergartener- "AND BIGGER!!!"

Fact #3- If you want kindergarteners to avoid stepping in the throw up in the middle of the hallway, the only way is to pick them up and hurl them over it.

Ms. Stinglash- "Walk next to the wall need to be closer to the wall....Why are you walking in the middle of the hallway? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!? STOP!!!! YOU ALMOST STEPPED IN....WHY ARE YOU ALL GOING OVER THERE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? THIS WAY!!! I SAID THIS WAY!!! GET OVER THERE!!! NOW!!! AUUUUUGGGHHH!!!"

Fact #4- Kindergarteners are lousy spellers.

Kindergartner #1: "Ms. Stinglash! Ms. Stinglash! Clinton said the m word!!!!!

Ms. Stinglash (thinking) What the hell is the 'm word'?

Fact #5- Kindergarteners are not as lousy at spelling as you think.

Kindergartener #1- "I can spell a lot of words."

Kindergartener #2- "Can you spell the B word? I can spell the B word."

Kindergartener #1- "I can spell the B word too!"

Kindergartener #2- "I can spell the B word and the s word."

Kindergartener #1- "So can I!"

Kindergartener #2- "You know what word I can spell? I can spell THE F WORD!"

Teacher from across the room- "Great job kindergarteners! I like how you are all sitting and chatting so nicely with your neighbors! Looks like you have earned some marbles for our marble jar!"

Kindergartener #2- (whispers) "I can totally spell the F word."

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100th Post!

So this thing that happens- I get an idea that makes me giggle, I put my fingers to the keyboard and start typing. More giggling happens as I press "publish." Then even more giggling as I read the published piece and then joyfully fantasize about all the giggling that will soon occur in front of computer screens around the world. Hard to believe that this phenomenon has happened 99 times!

Which makes this very post my 100th post! Which I had planned to re-post my first post in honor of. Which I wrote on August 21, 2008. Which I am now posting for you. Enjoy it. It is one of my favorites and the first time around no one read it but my sister....

Ironically I chose the name Sandy for myself...not knowing that eventually I would start calling myself Sandra/Sondra Stinglash...

And here it is-


This might give you an idea of where I am at these days.

I am taking a course in anatomy and physiology and we are studying cells. The other day, our professor projected an image of a sperm cell on the wall. I looked at it and the first thought that came to my mind was, "Jerk."

Clearly, right now anyway, dating a man is out of the question. My solution is to date myself for awhile. My sister and I came up with the idea of dating yourself, an idea so brilliant that it is sure to start a whole movement. This review of a blind date can shed some light on how it is done:

Date Lab
Dates like this happen every day. Heaven help us.

Sunday, March 23, 2008;

5:00 p.m., Wegmans, Grocery Store

Sandy: I thought it a bit risky to go to my date’s home for the very first date. But it was Easter and Sandy seemed to be in the same situation as I was. No family plans or Easter engagements. When she suggested that we meet at Wegmans, buy food and then go to her house to prepare dinner together, I thought, “Why not” If I got a creepy feeling from her, I could bolt before we got to her house. I found her in the produce aisle, picking out artichokes.

Sandy: I recognized Sandy right away from her picture. She looked nice. Her hair was up. She was slender and dressed in jeans, Doc Martens and a vintage coat. She looked part big city punk, part Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus.

Sandy: She seemed like my type and I was happy to see that she liked artichokes too. We picked out a couple nice ones, a small baguette, and some cheese. Sandy insisted on paying for the food, which I thought was nice.

Sandy: We walked the few blocks to my home. The weather was mild and sunny.

Sandy: We ended up walking to Sandy's home. I was surprised that we didn't drive. Maybe Sandy doesn't own a car. She seems a little out there- one of those environmental vegetarian feminist types. She had brought her own bag to Wegmans. I hope she isn't a lesbian. We mostly talked about the weather. Turns out her house is pretty close to the grocery store. Her house was kind of cool on the inside. I like the way she had it decorated.

Sandy: When we got to my house, I put the artichokes in the steamer and poured a glass of wine. That done, it was time to get to know my date better.

Sandy: I was a little put off that she hadn't bought a bottle of wine for us; instead she popped a left over bottle out of the fridge. There was really only enough for a small glass. Now that I think about it, it was probably better that way. It is better if I don't drink too much on a first date. I have gotten into trouble that way.

Sandy: We talked a bit about the books we are reading. Turns out that Sandy is an avid reader too.

Sandy: In the middle of our conversation, Sandy grabbed a book. She started reading out loud. The book was interesting and it was fun to discuss the passages she read. After a while though, she started to read to herself. I thought that was a little rude, but to be honest, I had spied an interesting book on her shelf, so I grabbed it and started reading too.

Sandy: The artichokes were ready at about 6:30. We sliced up the baguettes and cheese. I got worried because it wasn't really much of a meal, more of a light snack. But Sandy acted very gracious and said the food was delicious.

Sandy: The appetizer was delicious. I couldn't wait for the main course. I was so hungry, especially after walking from Wegmans and waiting so long for the artichokes to cook. It took me a while to realize that there wasn't going to be a main course. So, I hung out for a little while longer, to be polite, but then decided to take off. It was still early and I figured that I could stop somewhere and buy some food for myself.

Sandy: Sandy had to leave earlier than I had expected, but it was a really nice first date. I'd give the date a 4. I would definitely like to see her again. She was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable with her. I had a nice time.

Sandy: Blind dates are always a bit awkward. This one was a bit strange, but it wasn't too bad. I would give the date a 3. I would see her again, but I will wait for her to call or e-mail me.

Interviews by Loni Carbunkle

UPDATE: Sandy and Sandy exchanged e-mails addresses and phone numbers. They have sent each other a few funny youtube videos, but they haven't scheduled a second date yet.

Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.

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