What's In a Name?


I have been exploring changing my own name.  Exploring.  Not insisting.  Not declaring.  Turns out that doesn't really work so well.  I love the name that I chose for myself, but it turns out that I am pretty attached to the name that people have been calling me for all these years I have been on the earth.  My friends and family seem pretty attached to it as well.  When someone asks me what my name is, I like to have an answer, a clear answer.  So, I am going to follow the easier path and stick with it, despite the fact that I never felt like my given name quite suits me.  I guess that I can live with a little incongruity.

However, I have no such attachment to the name of this blog.  And no argument can be made that it actually suits the material presented.  So,  because I can, for the next month, I will be changing the name of this blog daily.  

You can determine whether it still smells as sweet.


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Your Horoscope



Aries- It is true that good things come to those who wait, but you should be aware that you can move around and do stuff while you are waiting.

Taurus- None of the problems you are currently facing can be solved by buying more kittens, but buy them anyway.

Gemini- You are lost. Do yourself a favor and go to the nearest gas station and ask for directions.

Cancer- Now that you are finished with the opera you have been writing based on your experience with restless leg syndrome, it is time to start getting out of the house more. Or at least take a shower.

Leo- You are the superior sun sign and you know it. Keep a lid on it though, lest you anger the others.

Virgo- Your passion for collecting condiment packets will pay off someday. If necessary, add a room onto your house to store them.

Libra- You know those new pants you bought? They look great on you. Most people can't pull off paisley, but on you, they are absolutely fabulous.

Scorpio- It turns out that you never dropped that class, way back in college. You need to go back and take the final. Try to show up on time, and please don't forget your #2 pencil, or your pants.

Sagittarius- You can stop living on the lamb. Seriously. They stopped looking for you three years ago.

Capricorn- Indulge your inner child today. Forget bill paying and errand running. Instead, climb a tree. Build with blocks. Color with crayons. Have a tea party. Light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.

Aquarius- Today would be the perfect day to start that exercise routine. Begin by finding that stationary bicycle that you have been using as a coat rack. Clear off all the clothing. Now rest. That is about enough for one day.

Pisces- Stop interjecting the phrase, "If you will," into your speech. It is just plain annoying and it makes people want to hit you. Seriously. It makes them want to hit you really hard.







This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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Close Encounters of the Stupid Kind


So, I need to get gas for my car.  I go to a gas station, and when I get out and open up the little flippy thing on the side there where the gas goes in, I notice that the gas cap is gone.  This neatly explains why my car has smelled like gasoline this past week.  No problem, I think, I will just go buy one, except I don't have much time and the auto supply store is across town and I really don't want to go so far out of my way.  Gas cap or no, I need gas, so I put my credit card through the reader to start the gas pump, and the display doesn't respond at all.    So, I try it again.  Still nothing.  It is as if I am invisible.  So, I go into the gas station.  The guy in the gas station, the attendant, is on the phone.   He is talking on the business phone and as far as I can tell, his conversation totally legit, gas station business.  He is not rudely taking a personal call on his cell phone or anything like that.  None-the-less, I take an instant disliking to him.  Perhaps it is because he doesn't make one of those reassuring gestures, that nod of the head that says, "I see you there and I wish to help you, and I will, as soon as I get off the phone with this asshole."

No such gesture.  No acknowledgement at all.  Yet, he sees me, that is certain.  And although it is clear that he is aware that I am there and he knows that I wish to speak to him, he apparently can't find it in himself to do anything to let me know that he intends to eventually follow his job description and help me, the customer, who has done nothing at all wrong, other than existing.   I stand and I wait.  The loathing grows stronger.  

The telephone conversation ends.  He walks to the register and waits.  No polite  apology.  No may I help you.  No hello or pleasant inquiry into my well being.  Nothing.  He just stands there looking at me, waiting for me to speak.  So, I take a deep breath and tell him that the pump won't read my card.  He takes my credit card and wordlessly, he runs it through his machine.  Since this is a real gas station, with a repair shop and everything, I decide, despite the fact that I hate this guy, to ask him for advice about my gas cap.   I figure that if he is given a chance to flex his car know-how muscles, his hostility might transform into helpfulness.  "Can you tell me the closest place to get a gas cap?" I ask pleasantly.  He shoots back an answer, "The only place you can get a gas cap is at the dealers."  

The dealers?  The ONLY place I can get a gas cap is the dealers?  WTF?  This is bullshit.  Seriously, due to my routine habit of leaving gas caps on the top of the car, I have replaced my gas cap umpteen times, and never at the dealers.   Has this just happened?  Has this so called person just looked straight at me, unblinkingly, and told me a boldface lie? 

"That's not true!" I tell him,  "You can get a gas cap at any auto supply store."  And with that, he looks me in the eye and says, "You would know better than I would.  I don't have a car."  


He doesn't have a car.  


I stare at him and say, "You work in a gas station and you don't own a car?  That's stupid."  

He glares at me.  I glare back.  

I take my credit card, spin around and walk out the door.  

Out at my car, I pump my gas.  Only, it ends up costing less to fill my tank than I was charged for on my credit card.  Now I have a problem.  I have to go back in the gas station to get my change.  But I can't go back in.  It will ruin my moment.  I had the last word.  If I go back in, that insult and perfectly timed turn on my heels would be all for nothing.  It would evaporate.  I consider the alternative.  I could just drive away.  It is, after all, only money.  But if I leave,  then Mr. Stupid-head would get my change as a $3.66 tip.  I can't let that happen.  


If I go back inside, I lose.  If I drive away, I lose.  


Now I really hate this guy.  


Then I think to myself, "What would Jesus do?"





I am lying.  That thought, the one about Jesus, it doesn't even cross my mind.  Jesus doesn't have a car.  It doesn't even make any sense.  


What really happened is this-  I go back in the goddamned gas station and I get my goddamned $3.66.   The stupid guy and I  are both civil to one another, which means that we say only whatever words are absolutely needed in order to complete the transaction.  I take my money, turn around and make my exit.  



This time, for good.














This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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Bidding Farewell


Behind every silver lining lurks a dark cloud.  And while I agree that on Tuesday we can all sigh that great collective sigh of relief that the Bush tyranny is finally over, it occurs to me that bidding farewell to George W. comes at a price.  You see, no longer will we have a steady stream of ready made material just begging to be ridiculed.  This is a huge setback for satirists, the entertainment industry and my favorite demographic- smart witty liberal friends of mine.  Obama just doesn't inspire the urge to make fun.  Sadly, he is just not a ridiculous, miscast and evil buffoon-puppet.  Who wants to poke fun at an intelligent, eloquent, thoughtful, hope inspiring, history making man of integrity?  This change in leadership, while great for the country and the world, is quite a blow to our collective funny bone.  What are the witty people going to do now?  Where will they get their material?  Brace yourself for the dark cloud; the great humorless void that is almost upon us.

So in tribute to George W. and all the amusement he gave us, I am parting with my usual policy of posting only original material and I offer the following poem, which is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.  It has been floating around on the web for awhile.  Perhaps you have seen it before.  This time, take a moment to read it, not with your usual incredulity, but with the reverence that the moment demands.  At one time, not so long ago, we thought that there would be an endless supply of Bush-isms, but the day has come and we find ourselves at the end of cheap and easy satire.  Light a candle.  Take a cleansing breath.  This is it folks.  It's over.  It is time to bid farewell.

Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!


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Small Talk


Hey there!  Look who it is!  How wonderful to see you here!  How the hell are you?  You look fabulous!!  Have you been working out?  Really?  The "Sweating With The Oldies" tape?  You don't say.  Well it really works for you.  Nice headband, by the way.

Me?   I am doing okay.  No complaints.  I just stopped by to feed the cat and bring the mail in.  Just keeping an eye on the place until Apropos of Nothing gets back from vacation.  Should be any day now.

And you?  Oh I see.  You were hoping to find something new and amusing to read.   It has been awhile huh?   Well, you know how it is.  AoN is just taking a little break.  Everyone needs a vacation now and then.  What was that?  You came all this way for nothing?  Well here's an idea for you.  Why don't YOU write something amusing?  Why does Apropos of Nothing have to do it for you?  What is the deal here?  I suppose that you would like AoN to pack up its bags and speed home in order produce some humor piece just so that you can get a good chuckle.   Is that what you expect?  

Why don't YOU produce some hilarious commentary, biting satire or delightful whimsey for a change, huh?   No?  Why not?  I will tell you why not.  You, my friend, are a consumer of wit, a user.  You with your insatiable appetite for amusement, your urgent need for the absurdly incongruous, your addiction to hilarity.   And now here you are, checking here once again, to see if there is something new, something funny, something to satisfy this craving of yours.  Gimme gimme gimme.  Make me laugh.  Make me laugh.  Well listen, you will get your laugh, but you are just going to have to be patient.  AoN cannot be rushed.  

I don't know what to tell you.  I don't know what you should do.  Go to youtube or something.  Do a search for narcoleptic dogs or something.  I don't know.  AoN will be back soon.  You are just going to have to man up.

Oh geez.  Are you crying?  Oh great.  Look, don't cry.  I'm sorry.  What is that?  You are never going to come here again?  Now, wait a second.  Come back here.  Listen.  I didn't mean to imply that you are a humor-sucking laugh-slut that only takes and doesn't give back.  I am sure that you are funny too.  Listen.  Its ok.   AoN will be back soon.  Come back then.  We will have some laughs.  It will be fun.  


Damn it.  Now you see what you made me do?  I let the cat out.  








This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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Apropos of Nothing is on Vacation

I know what you are thinking.  "How can I live without a new post for the next week or more?"  It will be difficult for sure.  Along with throngs of other people, you have come to depend on the wit and insight of Apropos of Nothing.  It has made you the hit of your office holiday party.  It has made you slimmer and given you more energy.  It has been the highlight of your 2008.  Knowing this  has made my decision to take a little time away, a difficult one indeed.

This coming week will be hard, but you can do it.  You can be brave.  You can be inventive.  I have faith that you will fill this void.   Perhaps you should pick up a book or something.  Or get together with friends.  What about cleaning  out the attic like you keep saying you will?  Maybe you could write your family letters, real letters that you send through the mail, letters that tell them how much you love them and miss them.  They would love that.

It is going to be a very difficult time I know, but when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.  Start a new project or pick up some new job skills.  Learn a new language.  And while you keep yourself busy, rest assured that Apropos of Nothing is having a really terrific time and has never felt better.   Apropos of Nothing  is getting some much needed rest and adventure and wishes that you were here!  But since that is impossible, try to make the best of a difficult situation.  We will be together again soon.

And check back in a week or so, for AoN 2009.

Have a Happy New Year


Fondly,

Apropos of Nothing

P.S.  You may be wondering what Apropos Nothing is.  That was the name of this blog before the great experiment of changing the name every day took place.  After that experiment the blog name changed to what you have grown to know and love, Callithump Thunderblog.  







This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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How Nice Of You To Stop By!!!


Hello!  Welcome!  Thank you for stopping by Appropos of Nothing.  Please make yourself at home.  Can I get you a cup of coffee?  Do you take cream and sugar?  Soy milk?  No problem!  It is no trouble at all.  I will be right back. 


I could have sworn that we had soy milk, but I couldn’t find any.  I only have regular milk.  Is that ok?


I didn’t realize that you had a dairy allergy.  I will run to the store.  No!  No!  Don’t be silly.  It is no trouble at all.  I will just shovel out the driveway and be on my way!  Better yet, I will use my cross country skis.  I have been needing an excuse to use them anyhow.  You sit tight.  Make yourself at home.  I will be right back.  It is no problem at all.  The store is only a few miles away.  No worries.  While you are waiting, just make yourself comfortable.  Poke around and read some posts why don’t you?  Can I get you a pillow for your back?  How about a stool to put your feet up?  You look a bit tired.   Just relax for a bit.  It will do you some good.

 

OK, then.  I will be back in a jiffy.

 

While I am gone, you can take a moment to read a really funny hamster story, or amuse yourself with my very first post from way back in the day.  Those were good times.  Enjoy…..

 

 

I’m back!  We lucked out!   At first it looked like they were out of soy milk, but I talked to the manager and helped him find a case way in the back.  It was actually lucky that we were back there at the time.  Turns out that the store was being robbed at gunpoint!  How about that for exciting? Here is your coffee.  Is it hot enough?  It may have cooled down a bit while I was gone. I was gone for longer than I expected.  It took a while to help all those people that the robbers had tied up. Let me heat your coffee up for you.  No, really, it is no problem.

 

Are you enjoying your Milano cookies?  I bought a few different kinds, because I am not sure what you like.  I got double chocolate, chocolate mint, dark chocolate, chocolate dipped, chocolate raspberry and eight or nine other kinds.  They are very good dipped in the coffee.  Be careful though.  I may have heated up the coffee a little too much.  You might want to let it cool a bit.  What?  Oh my, will you look at that?  I didn't even notice!  I must have spilled some coffee on myself when I took it out of the microwave.  It is blistering up pretty good, isn't it?

 

Hey!  Where are you going?  Don’t go yet! It gets so lonely here. Apropos of Nothing doesn’t get too many visitors!  Please don’t go.

 

 

Please stay.

 

 

Please?

 

 

OK then.  I understand.  You have things to do.  Of course.

 

Promise to come back.  You could even send a friend.  It would be nice to have a few more visitors.  You could subscribe even. It is really very easy.  Won’t take any time at all.  You could subscribe by feed or e-mail.  Not that I am complaining, but  the e-mail subscription option was kind of hard for me to set up.  I had to manually insert some strange looking text into my personal HTML.  That was a little frightening for me and it made me feel a bit dirty.  All I am saying is that it would be nice if someone actually used it.

 

I know it is too much to ask, but before you go, might you consider becoming a follower?  Do you see all those people to the right there?  Scroll until you see them.  See that group of particularly good looking people?  They are following.  Don’t they look cool there?  Don’t you want to be more like them?  

 

What’s that?  Is that what you heard?  That can’t be true.  I am pretty sure that all of them are following on their own accord.  I don’t think my parents are paying them.  Where did you hear that?  I am pretty sure that it is just a rumor.

 

No! No! Stop!  You don’t have to wash your cup!  You are my guest!  Leave it right there!  OK.  OK.  You can put it in the sink.  But that’s it.  I will wash it later.  OK, then.  It was really nice having you.  Please come back.  You are welcome anytime.  Anytime at all.

 

Bye.

 

Oh!  Your coat!  Of course!  Silly me!  I will be right back.  Forgive me.  I am moving a little slowly.  Sprained ankle.  Not used to the cross country skiing.  Need more practice is all.  OK then.  Here you go.  Nice coat by the way.  Looks nice and warm.  And the color looks great on you.

 

Bye now.  Be careful.  Don’t slip on the walk.  I may have dislocated my shoulder when I fell coming back from the store.  I don’t want that to happen to you!  Promise me you will be careful.

 

OK.  Bye!  Bye now!  See you later!

 

Bye…










This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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My Year of (Insert Project Here)


I recently picked up a book, a memoir written by a woman who read one book per week for a year and wrote about what she read.  As you might recall, I set up the very same challenge for myself this year.  See the post I Have Read 51 Books in Nine Months and You Haven't. Just like the author of this book, during this self imposed challenge, I read book after book after book and wrote about all of them in my journal.  Unlike the author, however, the one thing that I didn’t get around to doing was to write a memoir about the experience and have it published.   

The phenomenon of setting up a challenge for yourself- to live differently for a time and then write about it, was a theme I ran into many times during my book frenzy.  And it generally makes for really good reading.  The key is to create an experiment with yourself as test subject.  You define the rules and live according them, and then you write an account of your experience.  If you think about it, it is sort of like a reality TV show.  You alter your life artificially for the sake of seeing what happens.  It works well for people who aren’t naturally living a memoir obvious life by being a celebrity, gathering dirt about celebrities, being a criminal or living in France with a boyfriend named Hugh.  Of this create-a-memoir genre, Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously was one of my favorites.  Julie decides to cook, in one year’s time, every one of Julia Child’s recipes from The Art of French Cooking.  I can’t put my finger on what exactly made that book so wonderful, but it was great from start to finish.  I loved it so much that when I finished it, I trekked down to DC to visit the Julia Child exhibit in the National Gallery.  It was my own personal Wally World experience.  I stood outside the building looking in disbelief at the sign that explained that the museum was closed for renovations.  In reality, the words on the sign explained the renovation schedule and what visitors might look forward to when it was done, but all I read was, “F#&K YOU, Sondra Stinglash.”  The museum was closed.  That felt personal. 

 

There is another book  that I can’t wait to read. My Year of Living Biblically is a memoir describing a year of living exactly as the bible says. See A.J. Jacobs' wonderful talk on the subject.  I recently heard of a blogger who has made it her project to live according to the advice of Oprah Winfrey for a year.  Living Oprah.  This woman gave herself an assignment, is living it and writing about it and, although she won’t sign a deal until the project is done, I have no doubt a book will follow.  There are most certainly countless other people who have designed experiments that they are conducting at this very moment.  Right now, as you are reading this entry, there is someone going through their year wearing a chicken suit, someone sampling cookies, and someone living in a cabin in the woods on Walden Pond.  Imagine the books born of these projects! 

 

All Fowled Up: My Year in Feathers


A Year of Milanos: One Woman’s Quest to Try Them All


  My Wasted Year:  Would It Have Killed You To Tell Me That Someone Already Did This?

 

I need your help. I need a challenge.  I love my life; it is a great one, but it isn’t necessarily memoir material. What I need to do is to set up some rules for myself and then live an entire year according to those rules.   It has to be something out of the ordinary, but it can’t be something that is too embarrassing or takes a great deal of courage or time because I am kind of whimpy and I am very, very busy.   It can’t involve the saving up of all my garbage, traveling anywhere, pretending to have a job I don’t have, or changing gender.  I invite you to send me any idea you have!  And don’t stop there.  Send this post along to your friends and ask them for their ideas.  Then submit them as if they were your own.


And just so you know, the book I mentioned at the beginning of this post- I didn’t like it.  It is just as well that I didn't write my own.  Turns out that it is hard to write such a book without seeming like you are a super reader book jerk who likes to brag about all that reading you are doing.   Who can blame her though?  If I had read that many books in a year, (and I did) I would probably be tempted to toot my own horn too.  I would probably look for opportunities to bring it up in conversation and act shocked when other people tell me the paltry number of books they have attempted to read over the past year.

 

I won’t though.  Now that I know how annoying it is.

 

This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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