Death By Chocolate
Last night we got a hankering for ice cream, so I went out and bought some. After looking the ice cream freezers up and down, reading ingredients etc, I finally settled on Perry's Death by Chocolate. It sounded delicious- chocolate ice cream with chocolate-covered almonds, chocolate truffles and fudge chips.After I dished it out and my son, Ellington, and his friend, Amos, were happily scarfing down their portions, it hit me. I was feeding them a product that was advertising itself as fatal. DEATH BY CHOCOLATE!!!
D E A T H ! ! ! Suddenly I felt panicky. There they were, happily and rapidly shoveling spoonfuls of frozen death dessert into their mouths!!! It wasn't even like you had to read the fine print. It wasn't a little disclaimer that anyone could overlook. "Warning: ingesting this delicious chocolaty dessert product may result in serious injury, or death." No. This wasn't that. This was DEATH BY CHOCOLATE. Big print. Really big.
If deadly ice cream had a innocuous monicker, such as DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE EAT IT UP REAL FAST ICE CREAM and a disclaimer on the back, I believe, disclaimer or no, that the company would be remiss. And, enraged over the pointless and tragic death of my son, I would sue the pants off them. But, in this case, the company couldn't have been more upfront about the fatal properties of their product. DEATH BY CHOCOLATE. It was advertised blatantly. And as I watched Ellington and Amos licking their lips, I pictured myself in a court of law, not suing the Perry's Ice Cream people, but defending myself in front of a jury of my peers. I, my head hanging in shame, crying and explaining the tragic events of that night. My hankering for ice cream. My excitement over the promise of chocolate. How I first dished out two bowls for my son and his friend. And how, before I had even taken a bite of my own ice cream, the two teenage boys had keeled over right in front of me.
Witnesses, mainly employees of the supermarket, would one by one take the stand and say things like, "I can't believe she even bought that stuff. What kind of person would buy a product with that name? And for her own child?" As the jury glares at me and shakes their heads, I take the stand. The prosecutor glowers, "And what was the NAME of the ice cream you fed them?"
If deadly ice cream had a innocuous monicker, such as DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE EAT IT UP REAL FAST ICE CREAM and a disclaimer on the back, I believe, disclaimer or no, that the company would be remiss. And, enraged over the pointless and tragic death of my son, I would sue the pants off them. But, in this case, the company couldn't have been more upfront about the fatal properties of their product. DEATH BY CHOCOLATE. It was advertised blatantly. And as I watched Ellington and Amos licking their lips, I pictured myself in a court of law, not suing the Perry's Ice Cream people, but defending myself in front of a jury of my peers. I, my head hanging in shame, crying and explaining the tragic events of that night. My hankering for ice cream. My excitement over the promise of chocolate. How I first dished out two bowls for my son and his friend. And how, before I had even taken a bite of my own ice cream, the two teenage boys had keeled over right in front of me.
Witnesses, mainly employees of the supermarket, would one by one take the stand and say things like, "I can't believe she even bought that stuff. What kind of person would buy a product with that name? And for her own child?" As the jury glares at me and shakes their heads, I take the stand. The prosecutor glowers, "And what was the NAME of the ice cream you fed them?"
"Death By Chocolate," I feebly answer.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the court. I rest my case."
What was I thinking?
As luck would have it, the ice cream didn't kill us and it was really, really delicious.
But just to be safe, I am taking back the jar of "Death by Mayonnaise" that I just purchased.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the court. I rest my case."
What was I thinking?
As luck would have it, the ice cream didn't kill us and it was really, really delicious.
But just to be safe, I am taking back the jar of "Death by Mayonnaise" that I just purchased.
Go ahead and click on the teeny envelope icon and send this post to a friend. Don't be jerky and claim that you wrote it because I wrote it, damn it.
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