How Nice Of You To Stop By!!!


Hello!  Welcome!  Thank you for stopping by Appropos of Nothing.  Please make yourself at home.  Can I get you a cup of coffee?  Do you take cream and sugar?  Soy milk?  No problem!  It is no trouble at all.  I will be right back. 


I could have sworn that we had soy milk, but I couldn’t find any.  I only have regular milk.  Is that ok?


I didn’t realize that you had a dairy allergy.  I will run to the store.  No!  No!  Don’t be silly.  It is no trouble at all.  I will just shovel out the driveway and be on my way!  Better yet, I will use my cross country skis.  I have been needing an excuse to use them anyhow.  You sit tight.  Make yourself at home.  I will be right back.  It is no problem at all.  The store is only a few miles away.  No worries.  While you are waiting, just make yourself comfortable.  Poke around and read some posts why don’t you?  Can I get you a pillow for your back?  How about a stool to put your feet up?  You look a bit tired.   Just relax for a bit.  It will do you some good.

 

OK, then.  I will be back in a jiffy.

 

While I am gone, you can take a moment to read a really funny hamster story, or amuse yourself with my very first post from way back in the day.  Those were good times.  Enjoy…..

 

 

I’m back!  We lucked out!   At first it looked like they were out of soy milk, but I talked to the manager and helped him find a case way in the back.  It was actually lucky that we were back there at the time.  Turns out that the store was being robbed at gunpoint!  How about that for exciting? Here is your coffee.  Is it hot enough?  It may have cooled down a bit while I was gone. I was gone for longer than I expected.  It took a while to help all those people that the robbers had tied up. Let me heat your coffee up for you.  No, really, it is no problem.

 

Are you enjoying your Milano cookies?  I bought a few different kinds, because I am not sure what you like.  I got double chocolate, chocolate mint, dark chocolate, chocolate dipped, chocolate raspberry and eight or nine other kinds.  They are very good dipped in the coffee.  Be careful though.  I may have heated up the coffee a little too much.  You might want to let it cool a bit.  What?  Oh my, will you look at that?  I didn't even notice!  I must have spilled some coffee on myself when I took it out of the microwave.  It is blistering up pretty good, isn't it?

 

Hey!  Where are you going?  Don’t go yet! It gets so lonely here. Apropos of Nothing doesn’t get too many visitors!  Please don’t go.

 

 

Please stay.

 

 

Please?

 

 

OK then.  I understand.  You have things to do.  Of course.

 

Promise to come back.  You could even send a friend.  It would be nice to have a few more visitors.  You could subscribe even. It is really very easy.  Won’t take any time at all.  You could subscribe by feed or e-mail.  Not that I am complaining, but  the e-mail subscription option was kind of hard for me to set up.  I had to manually insert some strange looking text into my personal HTML.  That was a little frightening for me and it made me feel a bit dirty.  All I am saying is that it would be nice if someone actually used it.

 

I know it is too much to ask, but before you go, might you consider becoming a follower?  Do you see all those people to the right there?  Scroll until you see them.  See that group of particularly good looking people?  They are following.  Don’t they look cool there?  Don’t you want to be more like them?  

 

What’s that?  Is that what you heard?  That can’t be true.  I am pretty sure that all of them are following on their own accord.  I don’t think my parents are paying them.  Where did you hear that?  I am pretty sure that it is just a rumor.

 

No! No! Stop!  You don’t have to wash your cup!  You are my guest!  Leave it right there!  OK.  OK.  You can put it in the sink.  But that’s it.  I will wash it later.  OK, then.  It was really nice having you.  Please come back.  You are welcome anytime.  Anytime at all.

 

Bye.

 

Oh!  Your coat!  Of course!  Silly me!  I will be right back.  Forgive me.  I am moving a little slowly.  Sprained ankle.  Not used to the cross country skiing.  Need more practice is all.  OK then.  Here you go.  Nice coat by the way.  Looks nice and warm.  And the color looks great on you.

 

Bye now.  Be careful.  Don’t slip on the walk.  I may have dislocated my shoulder when I fell coming back from the store.  I don’t want that to happen to you!  Promise me you will be careful.

 

OK.  Bye!  Bye now!  See you later!

 

Bye…










This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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My Year of (Insert Project Here)


I recently picked up a book, a memoir written by a woman who read one book per week for a year and wrote about what she read.  As you might recall, I set up the very same challenge for myself this year.  See the post I Have Read 51 Books in Nine Months and You Haven't. Just like the author of this book, during this self imposed challenge, I read book after book after book and wrote about all of them in my journal.  Unlike the author, however, the one thing that I didn’t get around to doing was to write a memoir about the experience and have it published.   

The phenomenon of setting up a challenge for yourself- to live differently for a time and then write about it, was a theme I ran into many times during my book frenzy.  And it generally makes for really good reading.  The key is to create an experiment with yourself as test subject.  You define the rules and live according them, and then you write an account of your experience.  If you think about it, it is sort of like a reality TV show.  You alter your life artificially for the sake of seeing what happens.  It works well for people who aren’t naturally living a memoir obvious life by being a celebrity, gathering dirt about celebrities, being a criminal or living in France with a boyfriend named Hugh.  Of this create-a-memoir genre, Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously was one of my favorites.  Julie decides to cook, in one year’s time, every one of Julia Child’s recipes from The Art of French Cooking.  I can’t put my finger on what exactly made that book so wonderful, but it was great from start to finish.  I loved it so much that when I finished it, I trekked down to DC to visit the Julia Child exhibit in the National Gallery.  It was my own personal Wally World experience.  I stood outside the building looking in disbelief at the sign that explained that the museum was closed for renovations.  In reality, the words on the sign explained the renovation schedule and what visitors might look forward to when it was done, but all I read was, “F#&K YOU, Sondra Stinglash.”  The museum was closed.  That felt personal. 

 

There is another book  that I can’t wait to read. My Year of Living Biblically is a memoir describing a year of living exactly as the bible says. See A.J. Jacobs' wonderful talk on the subject.  I recently heard of a blogger who has made it her project to live according to the advice of Oprah Winfrey for a year.  Living Oprah.  This woman gave herself an assignment, is living it and writing about it and, although she won’t sign a deal until the project is done, I have no doubt a book will follow.  There are most certainly countless other people who have designed experiments that they are conducting at this very moment.  Right now, as you are reading this entry, there is someone going through their year wearing a chicken suit, someone sampling cookies, and someone living in a cabin in the woods on Walden Pond.  Imagine the books born of these projects! 

 

All Fowled Up: My Year in Feathers


A Year of Milanos: One Woman’s Quest to Try Them All


  My Wasted Year:  Would It Have Killed You To Tell Me That Someone Already Did This?

 

I need your help. I need a challenge.  I love my life; it is a great one, but it isn’t necessarily memoir material. What I need to do is to set up some rules for myself and then live an entire year according to those rules.   It has to be something out of the ordinary, but it can’t be something that is too embarrassing or takes a great deal of courage or time because I am kind of whimpy and I am very, very busy.   It can’t involve the saving up of all my garbage, traveling anywhere, pretending to have a job I don’t have, or changing gender.  I invite you to send me any idea you have!  And don’t stop there.  Send this post along to your friends and ask them for their ideas.  Then submit them as if they were your own.


And just so you know, the book I mentioned at the beginning of this post- I didn’t like it.  It is just as well that I didn't write my own.  Turns out that it is hard to write such a book without seeming like you are a super reader book jerk who likes to brag about all that reading you are doing.   Who can blame her though?  If I had read that many books in a year, (and I did) I would probably be tempted to toot my own horn too.  I would probably look for opportunities to bring it up in conversation and act shocked when other people tell me the paltry number of books they have attempted to read over the past year.

 

I won’t though.  Now that I know how annoying it is.

 

This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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From the Files of Way Back When


When I was thirteen years old, and throughout my teen years, I was more than occasionally employed as a baby sitter. Unbelievable as it was, responsible parents left their beloved children with me, in my care, for periods of time long enough to allow them to dine at restaurants and see entire feature length movies. This was obviously before nanny cams. I was trusted to perform duties like bathing children, feeding them and tucking them in for the night. I did all of this for a mere dollar an hour plus benefits. This doesn't sound like much, but those benefits were spectacular. After the children were safely snug in their beds, I got to help myself to potato chips of all flavors, ice cream and cookies. I was free to watch TV, and, if I was at the right house, I could carefully and breathlessly thumb through their copy of The Joy of Sex, which was right there on their living room bookshelf for god's sake, right there in plain view. "What kind of people are these?" The best part, however, is that I got the telephone all to myself with no parents listening and I got to stay up late without getting in trouble. It was also an ego trip to be looked up to, literally, as a big kid, a teenager, by the little kids I was in charge of. Baby sitting was so many things. It was a chance to make some money, to be thought of as a responsible young adult; it was also a fun excuse to dip back into the recent past that I had somewhat reluctantly left behind. At home I was too old to color, play Hungry Hippos and Barbie dolls, but when I was baby sitting these activities were part of my repertoire of professional skills. And then, of course, there were the after bedtime hours that provided a hedonistic oasis of junk food, pop culture and sexual education.

Six year old Daniel was fun to babysit for because he had a basement playroom full of toys, where we would spend most of our time together. On one particular day, however, he bypassed his toys in order to excitedly show me the hamster he had gotten only the day before. Walter was a pudgy tan and white ball of requisite rodent cuteness. Ah yes, a hamster. I was a pro at hamsters, having gone through many at this point, each coming to his own tragic end, each named Cinnamon, followed by a corresponding Roman numeral. I was eager to share with Daniel the joys of hamster ownership, especially my copyrighted trick, Hamster Trampoline. The way that Hamster Trampoline works is that you put the hamster on the front of your nightgown which you have pulled taught in front of you and you proceed to bounce the hamster up and down while gleefully exclaiming, "Wheeeee!" Since I was not wearing a nightgown at the time, I was forced to improvise. I put Walter on my outstretched t-shirt, and vaulted him up in the air. I was pleased to note that the t-shirt provided a more than adequate bounce.

Daniel watched, delighted. Up and down. Up and down. Hamster Trampoline is not something that six year olds tire of quickly, nor thirteen year olds, at least not this one. It is really a sight to see that hamster flip and turn in the air. After showing Daniel how it was done and going through safety rules, (Hamster trampoline does not equal hamster catapult.), it was Daniel's turn to try it out. Daniel took to Hamster Trampoline quite eagerly, bouncing Walter up and down gaily, both of us firm in our belief that Hamster Trampoline was a win-win situation for all: thrilling for the bouncer and bouncee alike. Up and down. Up and down.

A minute into it and Daniel's shrieks of glee were replaced by shrieks of surprise. "He's having babies!" he cried excitedly. "He's having babies!" I took in the situation. Walter was bouncing up and down. Daniel was shrieking. Coming out of Walter's body was a little bald, blind, pink creature. In addition to the one sticking out of Walter, there was another one rolling around on Daniel's t-shirt. Up and down. Up and down. It took me a moment to process this scene. Up and Down. Up and Down. Two little pink, bald, blind creatures on the t-shirt. One more wiggling creature sticking out of Walter. Daniel shrieking, "He's having babies!" He was right. We were witnessing the miracle of birth right before our eyes. I joined him in his excitement. "He's having babies!" I exclaimed. We both shouted, "He's having babies!!!" "He is having babies!!!!"

Then we paused, looked at the three squiggly bodies on the t-shirt and the one wriggling out of Walter, looked at each other and in a sudden moment of recognition, we said in unison, "SHE'S having babies!"


I thought of that hamster years later after I delivered my son. All us moms have our labor stories to tell. Mine was the most intensely painful experience I could ever imagine. I was in labor for 24 hours. Four hours of pushing and still I ended up having a C-Section. When we moms get together and exchange labor stories, I get a lot of sympathy for my tale. Then, I guiltily remember Walter, and I imagine her little voice interjecting, "Oh come on. You think that was bad? Let me tell you about when I had my first five kids...."



(Post Script- As writers do, I took liberties when retelling this tale, for dramatic effect. To be completely accurate, there was no sudden realization that Walter was a girl hamster. We just sat there dumbly in silence. I, at 13, soon after recognized that Daniel had pegged the sex incorrectly, but who knows when Daniel figured that one out. One would have to think that he has it straight by now.)


This is copyrighted material, Buster! So, make sure you give credit where credit is due.

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Difficult Times



Dear Spleen,

We would like to thank you for your loyal service for the past several decades.  You have been a  reliable and hard working part of our organization.  Unfortunately, the recent financial crisis has forced us to re-evaluate our way of doing things, to do some soul searching, if you will.  We have decided that, in order to remain truly competitive, our organization will need  restructuring.  As you are aware, we recently circulated a questionnaire.  We have had a chance to analyze the results and found that the majority of those surveyed were not aware that you were part of our organization, and if they did, they did not know your function. (Just for your information, the heart, brain and reproductive organs received the highest marks.)   We understand that your function is important to the organization as a whole, but in these times of belt tightening, we have to take a good hard look at our practices and we have determined that dedicating an entire organ to the specialized job of cleaning up of red blood cells is not cost effective.   In order to trim overhead costs, we have made the decision to eliminate your position and reassign your duties to another department, a larger and more high profile organ. We understand that this news may be difficult, but you will be pleased to learn that we will provide two weeks of overtime pay during our transition period during which you will continue your daily functions while providing training to the liver, the organ to which your duties have been reassigned.   Please bring a copy of your job description and report to the liver first thing  Monday morning.

We recommend also that you take part in a creative job skills seminar, free of charge, hosted by the right brain.  In these difficult times it is important to diversify your skills in order to increase your flexibility in a competitive job market.  Please sign up quickly as space is limited, and the tonsils, vermiform appendix and the vestigial muscle palmaris longus have already reserved their spots.

Thank you for your years of loyal service, and good luck to you! 

Sincerely,

The Management 

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No Teacher Left Unscathed


I just received a very disturbing letter from my place of employment, an elementary school where I teach.  I have paraphrased it below:

Dear Ms. Stinglash,

 

Enclosed are the results of a survey of students grades 3-6 who were asked to rate their classes and teachers.  If you received a low score, we ask to you please consider discussing the results with the students to determine what you can do to become more popular in their eyes.  This survey will in no way influence your evaluation, which will be done by grown-ups, but we think that it provides some valuable information for you to use to enhance your teaching.

 

Your average score:  1.5

 

Sincerely,

 

Ms. Simons

 

 

1.5?  This seems bad.  In fact, it seems very, very bad.  Of course, they didn’t tell me what the maximum score could be.  I might have scored a 1.5 out of 2.  That isn’t so bad.  In fact it could be very good.  Especially if the survey read like this:

 

How much do you love Ms. Stinglash?

 

1-    Very much

2-    More than my own parents

 

A score of 1.5 would mean that the children were pretty evenly split between loving me very much and loving me more than they love their own parents.  In that case, I have done very well indeed.

 

Only, I have never heard of a survey where the maximum score is only a 2. It seems rather unlikely.  I suspect that the maximum score is at least a 3.  As in:

 

How much do you think Ms. Stinglash’s class sucks?

 

1-    It sucks big time

2-    It’s okay

3-    It is a wonderful class, engaging, inspiring and surprising.  I never knew learning could be so blissful.

 

Great.  I am somewhere between sucking and being okay.  This is not good. What if the maximum is even more than a 3?  Horrors!  It appears that they detest my class!!  And who knew?  I thought they loved it.  They come in all smiles, eager to get started.  They participate enthusiastically.  They try hard in class.  We laugh together.  They really seem to like the class and to like me as well.  In fact, the children call out my name when they see me in the hallway and run over to hug me.  I just don’t get it.

 

I had to find out just how badly I had scored.  A bit of investigation revealed that the maximum score is a 4.  The only explanation for my dreadfully low marks is that I have been stabbed in the back.  Behind their cherub like faces, twinkling eyes and easy smiles lurk hearts of stone.  Either that or the questionnaire was flawed.  After all I only received a numeric score.   I did not receive a copy of the questions.  Who knows what they were asked.   Perhaps it was something like this:

 

Do you agree with the following statement?  “Ms. Stinglash has squids for hands.”

 

1. No

2. Not sure

3. Maybe

4. Yes

 

A 1.5 in this case would not be so bad really.  It would reflect that most of the children recognize that I have hands of a regular sort.  I say "most" of the children.  Some appear to be unsure about this point.  These children are not that smart.  This is not my problem.

 

The thing is, other teachers have told me their scores in the strictest of confidence so I cannot repeat them here, scores that they also found surprising and not just a wee bit devastating.  All the scores were substantially higher than mine. The only explanation for this would be that the students hate my guts with a passion usually reserved for superintendents who can’t see their way to canceling school during a record breaking snowfall.   I suspect that if the school employed a teacher who regularly feeds her class unsalted popcorn while she reads aloud from the Handbook of Autopsy Practice and shows them pictures of dead clubbed baby seals, she would score higher than I did. 

 

I truly did not see this coming.  I had no idea that the children were even going to be surveyed.  What if people from other aspects of my life are also being surveyed?  I could be blindsided once again.

 

Dear Sandra Stinglash,

 

Enclosed are the results of a satisfaction survey.  This particular survey was given to a select group of people, namely individuals who have come directly from your womb.  This demographic was asked to rate you according to how happy they are with your performance. We feel that this numeric score will provide you with valuable information, and we urge you to take the results to heart.  If you received a low score, we ask to you please consider discussing the results with the people or person surveyed in order to determine how to improve future ratings.  

 

Your score: 1.5

 

Sincerely,

 

Ms. Simons

 

 

 

I have decided to take matters into my own hands.  I have designed a simple survey, which I will give to the people in my life, all of them: family members, friends, and acquaintances alike.  It will have one question, so that it won’t take up too much of their valuable time.  The participants will be assured of their anonymity, as I will promise to close my eyes when they hand their surveys back to me.  It will read:

 

I thank you in advance for taking the time to fill out the following questionnaire which will give me valuable feedback that I can use in order to better myself as a person.  Rest assured that your anonymity will be guaranteed, so please answer as honestly as possible.

 

How satisfied are you with Sandra Stinglash’s performance as a(n) _________________________?  (The beauty of this format is that by filling in the blank, I can customize the question to fit any person being surveyed.  Example: mother, daughter, acquaintance, friend, total stranger, etc.)

 

1-    Not at all satisfied

2-    Somewhat satisfied

3-    Mostly satisfied

4-    Satisfied

 

I must remember to be very careful to fill in the blank as accurately as possible so as to avoid invalidating the results.  For instance, if I presented my father with a survey and instead of writing “daughter” in the blank, I made even a minor mistake, like “How satisfied are you with Sondra Stinglash’s performance as a world class botanist?” the results could be disastrous.  I might even score a 1.5.

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A Message From The Sunshine Day School


Dear Families,

Here at  The Sunshine Day School, our holistic approach to education includes a deep concern for the social, emotional, and intellectual well being of your child.  We have observed that what the children eat for snacks and lunch has a profound effect on their learning and behavior here at school.   Halloween is a time of year when it might be tempting to bring unhealthy snacks to school.  With that in mind we would like to remind you of The Sunshine Day School policy for snacks and lunch.

1.  No candy or soda is allowed at school.

2.  Whole grains are preferred over white flour products. 

3. Be mindful of the allergies of your child's classmates- no peanut butter, tree nuts, egg products, or shell fish products here at school please.

4.  No sugary snacks.  Although there are many sugar substitutes to choose from, including maple syrup, honey and stevia, we discourage their use at school, because they set the stage for developing a preference for sweetened food rather than fostering a love of natural unadulterated flavor.  We encourage you to think as we do and consider these substances for what they really are: gateway sweeteners.  Their use puts your child at a significantly higher risk for future experimentation with chemical sweeteners such as Aspertame and Splenda as well as abuse of illicit sweeteners including the mainlining of high fructose corn syrup.

5.  Unless your child is of bovine decent, we will allow no cow milk products at school.  We encourage you to instead provide yogurt and cheese lovingly made from your own breast milk.

6.  All fruits and vegetable waste will be composted.  Seeds will be saved and planted in school garden.  Ingested seeds, such as those from strawberries, will be excreted via bowel movement, as mother nature intended, into an appropriate spot in our garden.  Parents need to be aware that if the child's bowel movement occurs after school hours, it is their responsibility to consult garden map to determine exact drop location.

7.  We encourage our families to provide local sustainably grown food for their child's snacks or lunches.  Better yet, consider growing or gathering your own food.  We understand that this is easier to do during the warmer months but would like to point out that when gathering proves impractical, hunting provides a viable option.   Squirrels and plump birds that stick around because they are dependent on the bird seed we provide for them are plentiful during the winter months.  We also encourage you to take advantage of the veritable smorgasbord of road kill available almost all year round.  Small animals that your child has tortured and killed are also acceptable.   If your child chooses to bring in the ever popular "Rodent on a Stick" for snack, make sure that the stick is either reusable or made from an easily renewable resource such as bamboo or a piece of whole wheat spaghetti.


Have a very happy Halloween.  We so appreciate your cooperation and as always it is an honor to educate your child.

                                                                Sincerely,

                                                               The Sunshine Day School

 



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Concernus Gravis Politicus


Definition:   a sudden and overwhelming urge to interrupt a conversation with a soliloquy directed toward and expressing concern for someone who is not present, namely a plumber named Joe.  


Etiology:  Poorly understood.  Possibly related to Tourret's Syndrome.  Often associated with feelings of extreme desperation. Widely considered to be a side-effect of selling one's soul to the devil.  CGP is recognized as a component of McMaverick Syndrome, a rare but complex and pernicious disorder characterized by wildly erratic behavior consistent with  being a cranky sore-head.  

Signs/Symptoms:  Sudden onset of the appearance of a great concern for one particular individual in the plumbing profession.  Frequent verbal  reassurance is given and promises made to this person, delivered as if the person were actually there in the room.      Frightening pathology as attacks indicate irreversibility of disease.  Once this stage is reached symptoms  increase with alarming severity and frequency.   

Treatment:  no known treatment.  

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I am so political!

I just wanted to take the opportunity to point out, in this election season, just how serious I am about taking my responsibility as a civic minded American to get involved in the very political fabric of our nation.  

I am a very politically active person.

While many people just sit on their duffs and complain about the direction that this country has taken, I actually do something about it.  And I don't mean just following the news and having meaningful discourse with other concerned citizens.  What I am talking about here goes way beyond talk.   I walk the walk.

Evidence.  As soon as Sarah Palin became the Republican candidate for vice president, instead of sitting idly by, I did something about it.  I immediately joined the Facebook group, "Intelligent Women Against Sarah Palin."  As impressive as that move was, I didn't stop there.  Within a week's time I had also joined, "Sarah Palin hates Polar Bears," and "Excuse me, but has anyone else noticed that Sarah Palin is insane?"

Most people, less politically involved than I, would stop there, but I cannot rest when our very future hangs in the balance.  Political apathy is what has gotten this country into this mess.  In order to bring about change, we must become a nation of maverick political activists.  Evidence.  At the same time I was  writing this very blog, I was also joining the group, "I have more foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin."  

I am seriously considering joining the group, "A Vote For Sarah Palin is Not a Vote For Women's Rights,"  but I realize, that as focused and committed as I am, that I am only one person with a finite supply of energy and time.  I mustn't spread myself too thin. 

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